The Ten Days Of Akatsuki Christmas
by dead drifter
Summary: Featuring all of our favorite Akatsuki, even Orochimaru makes an appearance! Epileptic Hidan, scary Zetsu, reindeer massacres, tainted fruit cake, Candy Cane Crack and more!
1. Prologue

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 1: Prologue **

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or ANYTHING else. **

**Summary: One day for each Akatsuki member and Tobi. Orochimaru doesn't get his own day. He does get to do the prologue, however. Spoilers for the entire Christmas series below!**

* * *

Orochimaru, clad in a Santa suit and waving a candy cane around like a baton, frolics about a wintry wonderland, breaking into rhyme.

"It's December again, December my friends!

Akatsuki is ready, now it begins!

Oh so much to do, so much to say!

So much to go wrong on this holiday!

There are presents to buy

And lights to be hung

Carolers to kill

With a spike to the lungs.

Trees to trim

Snowmen to build

Fruitcake to inspect

If it's poison filled.

So come to the Lair

And enjoy your stay!

If you don't, then

_There'll be hell to pay_."

Orochimaru stops spinning and glares, pointing the straight end of the candy cane at the 'camera.'

"If ANYONE says ANYTHING about the fat suit, I'm going to shove this candy cane right up their—"

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**A/N: ****Merry Fucking Christmas****! How do you like Orochimaru's crappy poetry skills? Anyway…below is a breakdown of the entire series (because I want you to bow before my sudden ability to half ass organize a story). **

**Or maybe it's an early Christmas present from me. And note that this Christmas series is set before the other stories I wrote. It reveals the origins of a few things…heh heh…Oh, and each chapter is a separate day. I haven't actually written all of the chapters yet, so I may change things, depending on how the characters behave. **

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Chapter 1: Prologue (Orochimaru sets the mood)

Chapter 2: Rigging Up The Lights (featuring electrocuted Hidan, tangled up Tobi and Charcoal Sasori)

Chapter 3: Oh Christmas Tree! (Zetsu is scary as hell)

Chapter 4: Pretty Pretty Presents (The van is loaded up with a full tank of gas and ten Akatsuki, and they go shopping at multiple stores. Why does Itachi have an extra present for himself?)

Chapter 5: Attack of the Carolers (Origin (and intended purpose) of the Gumby mailbox mentioned in "Reading Material." Why doesn't anyone like that story? Go read it, dammit!)

Chapter 6: Orochimaru's World Famous Fruitcake (Remember Orochimaru's World Famous Stuffing in "Thanksgiving at the Akatsuki Lair"? Well, he makes fruit cake too.)

Chapter 7: Snow Day (Snow angels, igloos, shoveling and cleaning off the van)

Chapter 8: Fighting Under The Mistletoe (Some people kiss under Mistletoe. Try that with Hidan and see what happens.)

Chapter 9: Massacre at Happy Oats Reindeer Farm (After Hidan gets through with it, the farm ain't so happy anymore. The reindeer started it, seriously!)

Chapter 10: Drunk Akatsuki! (This is the last time Akatsuki were allowed to drink before Pein banned booze from the Lair.)

Chapter 11: Mary Fudging Chrissy Mix (it takes eight Akatsuki to put together one Hot Wheels set, but that's probably because seven of them are hung over and one of them is STILL drunk.)

Chapter 12: Epilogue (?)


	2. Rigging Up The Lights

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 2: Rigging Up The Lights **

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, Christmas, Kmart, Budweiser, Bud Light, Coca Cola, Martha Stewart, Barbie, Bratz, General Hospital, Nickelodeon, Sponge Bob Square Pants or Pledge (which is a shame, cuz me and Kishimoto could make some KILLER ads for it). **

**Summary: Hidan is prone to epileptic seizures. So why is HE the one on the ladder, knocking down all of the REAL icicles so he can hang up fake ones? **

**Warning: Cursing (Hidan's fault mostly) and lots of SEX! No…not really. At all. **

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"Fuck you talking about, icicle lights? Why do we need lights that look like icicles, when we have REAL icicles hanging from the damned gutters already? Seriously, that's totally fucking STUPID."

Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a head ache coming on.

"Look, I'm just telling you what's on the list. Leader requested icicle lights. Since he's the one paying for everything, I'd get what he wants."

"Fucking Leader...that smarmy ass bastard needs a reality check."

"Can you stop swearing? There are little kids here," Kakuzu hissed. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Oh please. Fucking little kids my ass. That one over there's giving us the finger, you know that?"

Kakuzu peered over his shoulder at an infant strapped to a woman's back. It was sucking on its thumb…and indeed, its middle finger was raised.

"That's a baby. I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose," Kakuzu sighed. He really needed a drink. Hidan wasn't sending him into a blind rage….he was exhausting him.

Hidan wouldn't be persuaded, however. He flicked the baby off and kept walking. They got to the Christmas section of Kmart and started looking through the boxes of lights.

"You mean they have BLUE icicle lights? Icicles aren't blue. They're fucking clear. Icicles are made out of god damned ICE. Have you ever seen blue ice, Kakuzu?"

"No…"

"Well, if _you've_ never seen blue ice, and you're fucking older than JASHIN, then there's definitely no such thing. Blue ice…what next? Trees that fucking light up and dance in a circle?"

Kakuzu led Hidan to the display of artificial Christmas trees and left him there to rant and rave while he wandered off to find some Budweiser. It wouldn't be the first time he'd gotten piss faced inside a Kmart…

* * *

"This is some seriously fucked up shit. I can't believe people buy these ugly ass things. Psh….look at this one! It fucking blinks in time to fucking music! I'm getting a fucking seizure by just _looking_ at it."

A woman in a red shirt walked over to Hidan, whose smirk she interpreted as an interested smile.

"Can I help you, sir?" she asked kindly. Hidan looked at her with his head lifted up in a cocky gesture.

"Hey, lady, what the fuck is wrong with you? If my boss told me to sell psychedelic disco strobe light trees to people with epilepsy I'd tell him to go fuck himself."

The woman's smile froze on her face.

"Sorry?"

"Like this heathen holiday wasn't fucked up enough. If I didn't enjoy getting shit wrapped in tinfoil so much I'd fucking sacrifice Santa Claus to Jashin-sama and be done with it. Lucky for you idol worshipping infidels that the old fat ass mother fucker is a Saint.

* * *

Kakuzu cracked open a third bottle of Bud Light (hey, it's less calories) and sipped at it in complete silence. He couldn't hear Hidan from here, and for that he was grateful. The missing Falls nin idly wondered if Hidan would have a seizure from watching the color changing trees on display…

And then his moment of Zen was interrupted when a clay polar bear the size of an elephant raced down the isle, heading straight for him. Kakuzu rolled out of the way as it ran past, colliding with a stack of boxes and exploding magnificently.

Deidara, who was running after it, skidded to a halt and put his hands on his knees, panting.

"Did you see that? Festive art! Much better than those lame ass bears on the Coca Cola bottles, hm?"

Kakuzu glared. Deidara looked around at the empty beer bottles and the case of Bud Light.

"Hidan get on your last nerve again, un?"

"Just shut up," Kakuzu snapped. The two looked at the mess they'd both made, then left that isle in a hurry.

* * *

Sasori was in the toy section. More specifically, the doll section. You see, he was in mourning, because when he was a little kid, Barbie took up an entire aisle all by herself.

However, Bratz dolls, which looked like prostitutes with chibi anime heads and bad lip jobs, had largely replaced the Barbie.

When Kakuzu and Deidara found the puppet master, he was holding a pink box and weeping Pledge.

"Why, Barbie, why?" he sobbed. Deidara rolled his eyes and pried the box out of Sasori's death grip.

"You have enough Barbies at home…hm."

Sasori continued to sob, now rocking back and forth and holding himself. The scent of lemons wafted in the air. Deidara picked Sasori up and stuck him in the shopping cart with the wreath and the garland.

"I suppose we could go check on Hidan, hm?" Deidara asked. Kakuzu stared in disbelief.

"Er…or we could make sure Itachi and Kisame aren't trying to buy Martha Stewart shit again, un…"

The very thought of Martha Stewart and her cheaply made, overpriced shit made three of Kakuzu's hearts skip a beat.

"Lead the way," Kakuzu grunted, speed walking in the direction Deidara was going.

* * *

"I don't know about that, Itachi-san…it's very…pretty…but for ten dollars you could buy fifty generic ornaments…"

"No," Itachi said curtly, "I want _this_ one."

Kisame sighed and put the overpriced Martha Stewart ornament with the blue snowflakes on it in the cart. He tried to put the value pack of ornaments in the cart too, but one cold look from Itachi, and Kisame gave up. By the time Kakuzu and Deidara found them, the shark and the weasel had two hundred dollars worth of Martha Stewart Christmas Shit (yes, shit is capitalized on purpose) in their shopping cart.

Kakuzu took one look at the overwhelming pile of pricey shit and died. When he came to, he was one heart short, and his temper was flaring like a pack of hemorrhoids.

"You are going to abandon the whole fucking cart and start over," Kakuzu snarled.

"Yeah?" Itachi threatened, eyes forming into the Mangekyou Sharingan. Kisame covered Itachi's eyes. The Uchiha struggled for a moment, then went still.

"If you cover his eyes, he calms down. Kind of like a horse, really," Kisame said, grabbing a Martha Stewart scarf and wrapping it around Itachi's head like a blindfold. He threw Itachi into Deidara's cart, and Sasori clung to Itachi, crying Pledge into his cloak.

"Why, Barbie, why?"

"Little tikes," Kisame said, beaming as if they were twin infants in a stroller.

Kakuzu and Deidara wisely kept silent.

* * *

After selecting cheaper ornaments, the crew headed back to the tree display to pick up Hidan. He was on the ground, having convulsions and foaming at the mouth. For some reason, no one had bothered to help him. Oh…maybe it was because there was a Kmart worker named Pam laying on the ground beside him, a spike through her left eye and a scythe imbedded in her chest.

Kakuzu grabbed Hidan by the hair and dragged him to the checkout.

After paying for their crap, Kakuzu dragged Hidan out to the van. Hidan came to just when Kakuzu started rolling him up into a spare patch of carpeting they kept in the back of the van for some reason.

"Hey, priest in a blanket, un," Deidara said with a grin.

"Fuck you," Hidan said, a middle finger poking up out of the carpet.

Kakuzu duct taped Hidan's mouth and the carpet and got in the van. Kisame got in the driver's seat (he was the only one who had a valid driver's license other than Pein) and they headed back home in blessed silence.

* * *

"Oh, isn't this pretty!" Konan squealed, yanking the scarf off of Itachi's head and wrapping it around her neck. The metallic silver scarf did go with her…piercing, I suppose.

"Early Christmas present from Itachi," Kisame said, steering the Uchiha away before he could torture anyone.

"Where's Hidan?" Pein asked as he rummaged through a bag. He was already wearing his Santa hat.

"Oh…sorry…I left him out in the van," Kakuzu said, not sounding sorry at all.

"Let him out and set him to work. He and Tobi are going to put up the lights," Pein said, now sucking a candy cane that perfectly matched his eyes.

Tobi skipped over to Kakuzu, who was alarmed by the childish behavior. Ninja don't skip. It's a rule.

"Let me fetch him, Kakuzu-san! I already have the ladder up and everything!"

"Knock yourself out," Kakuzu said (wishing he really WOULD) and watched Konan twirl about the room with her new scarf. Hopefully, that scarf would stay on. While everything else went off, if you know what I mean…

* * *

Tobi pushed Hidan onto the driveway and pried the duct tape off of the carpet. He rolled Hidan out of it, and when he ripped off the duct tape covering Hidan's mouth, the priest punched Tobi right in the eye hole.

"About fucking time, asshole!" Hidan yelled.

Tobi rubbed at his eye hole.

"Ow…"

"Where's that senile old prick? I'm gonna castrate him…"

"Leader-sama wants us to hang up the lights, Hidan-san!" Tobi said cheerfully. Hidan's face fell.

"You're shittin' me."

"Uh…no…"

Hidan got to his feet and looked at the ladder propped up against the house.

"I can't believe this. Leader is going to rot in hell for this one, I swear to Jashin."

Hidan glared up at the gutters, where there were perfectly fine real icicles hanging from them. Hidan threw his hands up.

"Well, whatever. Grab the fucking fake blue icicle lights, basketball head."

* * *

Everyone else was nice and warm in the house, sipping hot chocolate and watching Itachi channel surf. Deidara hadn't been able to properly watch an entire hour's worth of General Hospital in five years.

He'd tried to smuggle in his own TV once, but Pein ordered Zetsu to eat it. The poor plant man shit bad reality TV shows for a week (don't ask me how someone shits out a reality show…ask your cable service provider).

The rapid tap tap tap of Itachi's finger on the channel button was driving Deidara insane. And then suddenly, it stopped. Itachi settled on Nickelodeon. Sponge Bob Square Pants was on, and Kisame tried to pretend he wasn't totally into it.

"How the FUCK did you get so tangled up, seriously?"

Mute flashed on the screen and Sponge Bob's irritating laugh was cut off.

Everyone was listening hard to the drama outside. Deidara was hugging a pillow.

"Hey hey hey! Watch it, numb nuts! Don't tug, I'm gonna fall off this fucking Made In China piece of shit ladder!"

"Sorry, Hidan-san! But I'm…I'm stuck!"

"Oh, for the love of Jashin…"

Then someone rapped on the window. Deidara, who was nearest, moved the curtains aside to see Hidan hanging over the side of the ladder, glaring.

"Someone want to come out here and help that fruity little bastard?"

No one wanted to. It was fucking cold out there. Everyone looked at Sasori.

"What?"

"You don't feel the cold…" Pein said slowly. Sasori looked startled.

"No…but it stiffens my joints!"

Pein wasn't persuaded.

"Get your ass out there."

Sasori tried to go upstairs to get Hiruko, but Pein wouldn't have that either.

* * *

When the puppet went outside, he saw Tobi rolling around on the snow covered ground, tangled up in icicle lights. A string of the lights connected to the roof, where Hidan was trying to fasten the damned things to the gutters while flicking off real icicles.

"Alright, Tobi, don't move," Sasori said and leaned down to help the dimwit free himself. It took a while, but Sasori managed it, and when Tobi's arms were free, he hugged the puppet.

Sasori slapped the kid away, worried that Tobi'd put finger prints on his flawless shine.

"Can we get this shit over with, it's so cold out here my fucking dick is falling off!"

Tobi and Sasori helped, and soon, the house was completely surrounded with icicle lights. The last step was to plug them in. There was an outlet outside by the porch, but when they plugged them in, they didn't light up.

"Fucking figures," Hidan growled. He knocked on the window again.

"Hey, fuck-tards! Flick the switch!"

Deidara looked at the switches by the front door and turned one of them on.

"That's the fucking porch light, blondie!"

Glowering, Deidara switched on the other one.

"There ya go, ass wipe, that wasn't so hard, now was it?" Hidan said, smirking and waving sarcastically at Deidara before walking off to admire his work.

"Oh, some of them aren't working, Hidan-san!" Tobi said. Hidan bared his teeth in rage.

"FUCK!"

"Woody, it's your turn to get on the ladder. I'm done with this shit, seriously," Hidan growled. Sasori shook his head.

"I'm made of wood. I'm not touching those things while they're on. I could get burned."

"Fucking pansy ass…" Hidan muttered, stalking back to the house and climbing the ladder again. He twisted the little bulbs that were out, and the entire length of lights quit working.

"FUCK FUCK _FUCK_!"

Tobi disappeared and came back a second later with another ladder. Hidan wanted to kill the fucker.

"You mean you could have been up here too, instead of on the ground getting twisted in the damned lights?"

"I'm afraid of heights, but as long as Sasori holds the ladder, I think I'll be okay," Tobi said timidly. Sasori was hanging around between the two ladders, gazing up at the pair as they tried to figure out why the lights weren't working.

Tobi managed to get tangled up again.

"Help, Hidan-san!"

"Hey, drift wood, get your ass up here and help this kid!"

Sasori climbed up Tobi's ladder and hopped onto the roof (he's a ninja puppet), carefully untwisting the lights from Tobi. A string of lights got stuck in Tobi's eye hole, and Sasori struggled with that.

When he pulled hard on the lights, they finally came free of the eye hole in Tobi's mask, but the force of the tug was so strong that it ripped apart the wiring.

All of the lights flashed on, and when they did, Sasori and Hidan, who'd both been holding onto the wires, got zapped something awful.

Hidan's hair stuck straight up (making him look an awful lot like Kakashi with pink eye) and he shook violently, going into a seizure and finally falling backwards off of his ladder.

He landed in the snow on his back, still shaking, smoke coming from his ears.

A second later, a large piece of charcoal sporting a red afro landed next to him.

Tobi climbed carefully down his ladder and wept for his fallen comrades.

* * *

"Don't you DARE take those fucking lights down. EVER. Just leave them up all year round, like those cousin fucking red necks in Konoha do."

Despite being electrocuted, Hidan was perfectly capable of cussing out anyone who came within earshot. His hair wouldn't lie flat, no matter what he did to it, and he was going to make sure everyone felt as pissed as he was.

Sasori transferred his heart to the Kazekage so he could repair his body. Tobi had already taken three of the puppet man's charcoal fingers and used them to draw pictures of Santa Clause dancing with a crocodile. No one wanted to know why.

* * *

**A/N: I love it when they go shopping! I could write a fucking epic masterpiece about the whole of Akatsuki in various stores! The first draft had them in Wallmart, but I don't think they sell alcohol, so I switched it to Kmart instead.**

**I laughed my ass off while writing this, seriously. I think I spent half the time working on this chapter just LAUGHING instead of TYPING.**


	3. Oh Christmas Tree!

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 3: Oh Christmas Tree! **

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: This year, they're getting a real tree, even if it kills them. This chapter is scratch and sniff! Ooh, smells like pine!**

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Pein ordered Kakuzu, Kisame and Itachi to go get a tree. So, Kisame borrowed the van and drove to the nearest tree nursery. However, though there were many nice trees available, Kakuzu, the one holding the bag of money, refused to pay. 

"We should've just gotten a plastic one at Kmart the other day…they're so much cheaper…" Kakuzu said, feeling lightheaded from seeing so many signs with dollar amounts in the hundreds.

"Well, if you're on a budget, we got fifty dollar ones over there," a Konoha redneck said, spitting on the snow.

"I don't think so," Itachi said coldly. The fifty dollar trees would put Charlie Brown's tree to shame.

"Let's just slay that guy over there and take the best one, eh?" Kisame offered, reaching for his Samehada. It wasn't there, however. Kakuzu had insisted that Kisame keep it in the van.

"Leader said no murder during the Holidays," Kakuzu warned.

"Hidan killed that lady at Kmart yesterday," Kisame pointed out. Kakuzu sighed.

"He also got electrocuted while hanging up the lights. Wasn't that punishment enough?"

Kisame smirked.

"I guess you're right. So, where to then? Another nursery?"

"No…" Itachi said. He was cold, and it always made him cranky…crankier, I should say. Kisame shifted uncomfortably.

"Er…then what should we do? We're not allowed to come back home until we have a tree."

Kakuzu put a hand to his chin, thinking.

"What about the woods? There are plenty of pine trees in the woods…and they're _free_."

"Let's go then," Itachi said and walked back to the van. Kisame and Kakuzu followed.

* * *

"Well, there are woods back there…behind this farm…do you think that's their land?" Kisame asked, looking out his window and gesturing to an old house in the middle of the field. 

"Probably. I don't want to be on the wrong end of a rifle. I'm down to four hearts, after all."

"A few peasant farmers with guns is no problem to an Uchiha," Itachi said cockily, sliding open the door (he was in the back) and hopping out of the van.

"Er, Itachi-san, I don't think…"

"We're going tree hunting, Kisame."

Kisame glanced nervously at Kakuzu, who had a sweat drop stuck to the side of his head. He tried to brush it away without Itachi noticing, and got out of the van too.

Kakuzu would rather get shot in the chest than tortured for 72 hours.

The trio of S rank missing nin crossed the dead field, listening for the CH CHIK of a loading rifle as they did so. They met no resistance until they reached the edge of the woods.

A bull mastiff galloped towards them, its booming bark echoing across the barren field like a clap of thunder.

"What in tarnations is goin' on! Butch, get 'em, boy!"

A farmer wearing overalls and ninja sandals ran outside, loading his rifle and firing wildly.

A bullet whizzed by Kakuzu's head, ripping his mask.

"Holy shit, let's get out of here. NOW," Kakuzu said, and started running back towards the van while avoiding the snapping jaws of Butch and incoming fire from the farmer.

Itachi lit the field on fire and the dog tucked its tail between its legs and ran back to its master.

"Fuckin' hooligans!" the farmer hollered, shooting and shooting even though he'd run out of bullets.

The trio made it to the van and Kisame leapt into the driver's seat, fumbling with his keys.

"Drive!" Itachi ordered, and Kisame floored it before Kakuzu could properly get his seat belt on.

The old man's hearts were beating erratically and he clutched his chest, ready to go into heart attack mode at any moment.

They ended up parking in front of their house.

Kakuzu took his heart medication and when he could breathe normally, he asked, "where to now?"

"Hey, you're the oldest one here, you should be making the decisions, right?" Kisame retorted.

"There are woods behind OUR house too," Itachi pointed out.

"True…" Kisame said, eyeing said woods with apprehension, "…but Zetsu lives out there."

"To hell with it. Let's just go grab a ten dollar plastic tree from Family Dollar and face Leader's wrath. Anything but going into Zetsu's territory…" Kakuzu said, equally as scared as the shark.

Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Cowards. Zetsu is just a plant with a dual personality. He is no match for the Sharingan…"

* * *

Itachi led Kisame and Kakuzu to the backyard and they jumped over the fence, entering the forest that Zetsu had claimed as his own. 

"Hey!"

The trio froze. And turned around.

Deidara was standing in the yard, eating a bag of Hot Cheatos and wearing a deer antler headband. With bells and fake holly.

"Why are you guys sneaking into the woods, hm? Leader said he's not liable if you get eaten by Zetsu in his forest."

"What the hell are you wearing?" Kisame asked.

"What the hell are you _eating_?" Kakuzu asked in disbelief. He didn't allow chips in the house because of his diet.

"What the hell are you guys so worried about? Let me worry about this ridiculous hat and how fat my ass is, hm?"

Deidara had a point.

Itachi, though he'd talked a lot of shit…didn't go further into the woods. He was waiting for his comrades to go with him. He may be a cocky bastard…but he wasn't stupid either.

"The fuck are you guys doing? Shit, it's cold," another cocky bastard whined. Kakuzu's left eye twitched.

"Leader said if you guys don't come back with a tree in an hour, he's going to castrate you. Seriously, he's been sucking on candy canes all day, and I think the sugar's gone to his fucking head. I'd do what "Crazy Eyes" says."

"Why did he need to send out a blonde and a priest to tell us this?" Kakuzu asked, feeling his rage start to boil.

Kisame snorted with laughter.

"A blonde and a priest, huh? Sounds like a joke I heard once in Hidden Mist…"

"Fuck you, fish stick," Hidan said. He tried to press his hair down, but it still stuck straight up.

"You still look like Kakashi with pink eye, un," Deidara said, giggling. He dodged Hidan's fist and continued giggling.

"With five of us, there might be a chance," Itachi observed. Deidara and Hidan hopped the fence, and the five shinobi went deep into the forest of Zetsu…

* * *

"AAH! Something touched my leg, hm!" Deidara squealed, leaping up into the air like a startled cat. 

"Keep your voice down, Rudolph," Kakuzu growled. Deidara tossed his now empty bag of Hot Cheatos over his shoulder and started sucking on his fingers, which were stained bright red.

"Hey, Blondie, can I borrow your jacket?"

"Screw off, Copy Ninja Copy," Deidara sneered. His hands finished cleaning up his fingers.

"_I_ was the one freezing my dick off yesterday…_I_ was the one getting fucking _electrocuted…_I shouldn't have to do this shit…"

Kakuzu inhaled deeply and held his breath for a few beats, willing himself to refrain from murdering Hidan.

"If you'd wear a _shirt_ like most people do in the winter, you wouldn't be so cold."

"You know what? I should just save Leader the trouble and castrate you myself."

"I bet you'd like that, pink eye."

"Hey, I'm the one with the gift of insults! Frankenstein!"

Kakuzu couldn't' believe his covered ears. Hidan fucking _knew _not to say the "F" word.

"Oh no you didn't…" Kakuzu seethed. Hidan got right in the old man's face.

"_Oh yes, I did_."

* * *

Four shinobi journeyed deeper into the heart of the forest, leaving behind a pink eyed, gray haired, shirtless (and now cloak-less) man, who was tied to a tree, his mouth sewn tightly shut. 

He still managed to flick off the backs of the retreating ninja, however, and that satisfied him enough to endure the cold. Psh, for about five seconds, anyway.

* * *

Kakuzu felt much warmer wearing two cloaks instead of one. He'd warned Hidan what would happen if he dropped the F bomb on him, and frankly, Kakuzu thought that he'd gone easy on the Jashinist. 

No blood had been spilled, no bones broken. It was like he'd already given Hidan an early Christmas present.

"Stop. I hear something," Itachi whispered. Everyone stopped and looked around in alarm. When Itachi gave a command, you listened, or you died.

Someone…or something…was talking very softly. The shinobi…quartet…crouched behind the bushes overlooking the base of a large willow tree.

"…_but Grandmother Willow, what is my path?"_

"**For the last time, Whitey, it's just a tree. It doesn't talk."**

"_Don't pay him any mind, Grandmother Willow. He doesn't believe..."_

"**Hey...I hear someone. Intruders in the forest!"**

"Jesus H. Christ…" Kisame hissed, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

"Kisame, calm down. Jesus won't help you now. I will."

"Itachi doesn't think he's God now too, does he? Hm?" Deidara asked quietly.

"Where did he go?" Kakuzu asked, sounding alarmed.

Zetsu answered by appearing just behind them, half melted to the frozen ground.

"_You are trespassing on the territory of the Grandmother Willow."_

"**Leave…or die."**

"Listen, Zetsu-san, un? We just need to get a Christmas tree, and we'll leave…"

"**You defile our forest with your vile feet…and request a sacrifice?"**

Zetsu's face was cast in shadow, so even his white half looked black. His eyes, however, glowed like twin yellow moons in the darkness.

All four shinobi were scared shitless. Even the stoic Uchiha.

"On the count of three, we're running," Itachi said to his fellows.

"There's a pine tree up ahead. Kisame, cut it down. Kakuzu, you carry it. Deidara…"

"Fuck you, I'm getting the hell out of here right now, un!" Deidara screamed, hopping on a clay bird he'd made while Itachi was strategizing.

He took off up into the air, heading back to the house. Apparently, castration was more appealing than being eaten by a plant man.

"He will be punished for his betrayal. Alright. One, two, three…"

They sprung into action, Kakuzu and Kisame racing towards the pine while Itachi blew a fireball at the willow tree. Zetsu (both sides, it sounded like) howled with rage and vines sprouted out of the ground, wrapping around Itachi's legs.

Itachi burned the vines away, but more and more kept coming. He wasn't close enough to catch Zetsu with his Sharingan, and without his eyes, Itachi was useless.

Kisame came to the rescue, slashing the vines away and grabbing Itachi and throwing him over his shoulder while Kakuzu was at the shark's heels, an enormous tree slung over his back. He'd extended his arms to better carry the awkward weight.

* * *

Kisame, Kakuzu and Itachi made it through the woods and over the fence, and back to the safety of the backyard. If Zetsu didn't take the virgin sacrifice they left in the woods (Hidan), then Kisame would spray the plant man with the garden hose. 

That tactic had worked fairly well when Zetsu was going through his 'hump the neighbor's kids' phase. (Authoress pauses to laugh for like five fucking minutes before she can finish typing.)

Deidara had been hiding in the garden (which was nothing but a patch of frosted sticks) and came over to the survivors.

"Where's Hidan, un?"

Kakuzu's eye started twitching.

"Hidan dropped the "F" bomb," Kisame whispered behind his hand. Deidara nodded.

"Oh…hey, you got a tree, hm! Impressive!"

"Kisame, the hose…" Itachi whispered, and slipped quietly into the house.

Zetsu appeared in the yard, eyes glowing maliciously, the points of his fly trap smoldering.

Kisame thanked God (and Jesus too) that they had invested in a high pressure nozzle, and when Zetsu got a face full of cold water, he melted into the ground.

"I'll get you for this, fish face," Zetsu snarled as he went.

Kisame turned the water off and helped Kakuzu with the tree.

* * *

A team of artists decorated the tree, so naturally, there was a lot of arguing going on. 

"There should be a perfect balance, even symmetry…it should look good from every angle," Sasori said (in the body of Kazekage, as his body was still undergoing repairs from the electrocution yesterday).

"Symmetry is boring. And the damned thing is in the _corner_, un. What's the point of putting ornaments where no one will see them, hm? We should draw the eye to the focus of the tree, the angel on top. I made it, you know."

"Yeah…about that…" Pein said from the love seat. He had his head in Konan's lap, sucking on yet another candy cane.

"It's not explosive…it's made out of Polymer Clay. I cooked it in the oven, un."

"I'm really impressed with the way you guys pulled through," Konan said with a genuine smile. It would have looked normal except for her hideous piercing, which she had changed from a generic silver ball to a tiny green wreath. It made her look like she'd eaten a salad for lunch and decided to save some for later.

"But where's Hidan-san?" Tobi asked. He was sitting on the floor, tangled in (and eating) garland made of strung popcorn.

"Oh…sorry…I left him out in the cold," Kakuzu said, not sounding sorry at all. (Déjà vu o.O)

* * *

"Ah…a virgin sacrifice…" Zetsu said, looming over a half frozen immortal with a bad case of pink eye. 

Hidan prayed to Jashin that Zetsu would realize that he wasn't a virgin _before_ he started to eat him…

* * *

**A/N: I am having WAY too much fun torturing Hidan. And we still have NO idea what kind of fighting tactics Zetsu would use…so I just crapped out and gave him the ability to summon vines out of the ground. Seriously, can you guys IMAGINE Zetsu humping a kid like a dog and getting sprayed with the hose? That's the image I had in my head (my old dog Buddy, a golden retriever, used to hump little boys, so that's my inspiration). **


	4. Pretty Pretty Presents

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 4: Pretty Pretty Presents **

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: Akatsuki goes Christmas shopping! Featuring homophobic Hidan, smoking Konan, exploding sea gulls and Mc-fucking-Donald's! **

**Warning: One sea gull was fatally injured in the making of this fic. But Jashin resurrected it, so he's okay now.**

**I dedicate this chapter to all of my reviewers, who happen to share the same sense of humor as me. Jashin help us! **

**Thank you to the following reviewers, who make my day: **

**Purplewolfstar35 (my number one fan and stalker), MewxRetasu, Rahab's Rehab, Medicinal Biscuit, Hufflepuff Ninja, Akatsuki210, Gabwr, ArmorOfGeddon, Isela Garcia (anon), My Chemical Romance Dude, Kitsui, Xarkun's Shadow, sorafan08, reiyukichan (self proclaimed other biggest fan, lol) and dark-emo-gal.  
You all make me so happy, un!**

* * *

It was Shopping Day for our most beloved (and eternal) evil organization. By the time McDonald's stopped serving breakfast, Pein had taken his 'children' to nearly every store on the list. 

And he was on his way to another one. This time it was for the sake of art.

"I'm fucking _starving_."

"I have to go to the bathroom…" (Tobi)

"Are we there yet, un?"

"Sasori, stop poking me!" (Kisame)

"_Did anyone hear me the first time_? We've passed ten fucking McDonald's already, and if I don't get a fucking Big Mac soon, I'll…"

"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" A woman's voice shrieked from the passenger seat up front.

Konan had twisted around and was shaking her fist threateningly at the ninja in the back of the van. Everyone recoiled in fear.

Silence…

Except for the hum of the engine and the occasional creak of Sasori's joints. The cold really didn't agree with him. And he had run out of Pledge (insert ad here), his favorite lube.

Okay, there _was_ a third sound: Hidan's stomach growling.

"Seriously. Can't we take a lunch break before going to Michelle's?"

"_Michaels, un!_" Deidara corrected, who was so excited that he'd taken off his seat belt and sort of hung onto Pein's seat standing up, looking eagerly for the first sign of his favorite store.

"Whatever," Hidan said, "I figured it was some sort of faggot ass name. You know only old ladies and queers shop at art stores, right?"

"What are you trying to say, un? That I'm a queer? Hm?"

"Hey, you said it, not me…" Hidan retorted with a smile.

"Hidan, you think everyone's gay," Kakuzu grumbled, glaring out the window as fast food restaurants whizzed by. He was getting hungry too.

"Kakuzu has a point. Maybe _you're_ the one who's gay, eh?" Kisame suggested. Hidan gave the shark man the finger.

"Ha ha…very funny…but there's a problem with your logic, fish fuck," Hidan said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. If I was a queen, I'd be _excited_ about going to Michelle's."

"_Michaels, un!"_

Hidan sat back in his seat, smiling.

"I rest my case."

* * *

When they finally reached Michaels, Deidara pushed everyone out of his way and leapt dramatically out of the van. He breathed in the cold, crisp December air, and started to skip across the parking lot. 

And then Hidan stuck out his foot and tripped the missing Rock nin, and he fell flat on his face.

"Why you bastard! Un!" Deidara howled, and ran after Hidan, throwing litter he found in the parking lot at him. Hidan dodged the attacks, cackling madly.

Everyone else followed the two running idiots, some feeling more excited than others.

Sasori was nearly as thrilled about the art store as his partner, but because of his stiff joints, he had to walk without bending his knees. Tobi tried to lag behind with the puppet, but soon grew weary of waiting and skipped away after his senpai.

* * *

"Ah…look, Kakuzu, they moved the Clearance Aisle to the front of the store, un!" Deidara said when they all entered and were immediately hit with the strong stench of two hundred varieties of potpourri. 

Kakuzu wandered over to said Clearance Aisle and immediately began rifling through boxes of marked down crap the store couldn't even give away.

Hidan shook his head.

"Kakuzu's gay too…fucking figures my roommate would be…"

Pein realized then, while standing in Michaels, that if Hidan's theory that only old ladies and queers shopped at art stores was correct…then Konan was gay too. Either that, or most of his employees happened to be artists as well as ninja.

Definitely gay…or maybe bisexual. That wouldn't be so bad…

"Ooh, Pein-san, there's origami paper on sale! Isn't the pink floral pattern in this set adorable?"

"You _do_ know that we're shopping for Christmas presents…for _other_ people, right?" Pein asked his partner. Konan's face fell.

"Well…couldn't I get _one_ thing for myself? Please?"

"I suppo…NO. Absolutely not. HEY! EVERYONE!"

An old lady who'd been in the box next to Kakuzu, picking out individual beads that had fallen out of their packaging and stuffing them in her pockets, froze and looked over at "Crazy Eyes."

A lot of other old ladies did too. There were some younger girls…and some guys too…but mostly old ladies.

"Uh, everyone in _Akatsuki_, I mean."

The old ladies went back to stuffing their hand baskets full of crap.

"We are here to buy Christmas presents for other people. Remember the rules: no buying presents for yourself."

Hidan, who'd been scrutinizing a set of Exacto knives, looked up at the Leader.

"We fucking get it already! Geez!"

* * *

Hidan quickly grew bored with the lack of weapons and started following Kakuzu around, whining about being hungry and generally being an annoying bastard. Finally, Kakuzu couldn't take it anymore. 

The missing Falls nin grabbed Hidan by the neck and pushed him away.

"Go bother someone else. I can't calculate a 75 discount with you nagging in my ear."

Hidan shook his shoulders and walked away with his characteristic farewell 'fuck you' fingers pointed in the air.

The priest decided to tag along with Itachi and Kisame, because they looked as bored and hungry as he was. Plus, it beat hanging with the pretty boy duo, who were arguing over which glitter glue set to buy Tobi and looking…totally gay as they did it.

"Hey, if all three of us gang up on the leader and tell him to buy us Big Macs, you think he'll go for it?" Hidan asked the shark and the weasel.

Kisame looked hopeful.

"I could use a McFlurry…"

"Chicken nuggets with Sweet n' Sour sauce…" Itachi murmured.

"But these pansy ass mother fuckers won't hurry the fuck up. I think Kakuzu's decided to take up residence in the Clearance Aisle…"

"And it doesn't look like Deidara and Sasori are going to agree on glitter glue any time soon…" Kisame said, looking over at the pair. Deidara was gesturing to one pack of glitter glue, while Sasori was shaking another pack of it in the blonde's face.

"Fuck this shit. I'll settle things right now," Hidan snarled, stomping over to the artists.

He grabbed a handful of glitter glue sets and threw them in Deidara's hand basket.

"There. Mission fucking accomplished. Now let's go, I'm so god damned hungry I could eat Zetsu."

Deidara and Sasori blinked. And then half the store exploded. Old ladies and fake silk flowers flew in all directions. Beads rained down like hail. Paint flowed down the aisles like freshly spilled blood.

Akatsuki hurried the rest of their shopping and got the hell out of there.

* * *

"Can we go to Mc-fucking-Donald's now?" Hidan growled when they were all back in the van. 

"Anyone have any objections?" Pein asked the lot. Rumbling tummies responded.

"Mc-fucking-Donald's it is, then."

* * *

"I can't believe you're making us eat outside," Hidan complained around mouthfuls of Big Mac. Even when he got what he wanted, he complained. 

"After the fiasco at Michaels, you should be thankful that I'm treating you at all. Plus, you're not outside. You're in the van."

"Yeah, with the fucking heat off and the windows open."

"McDonald's food isn't meant to be eaten in a small enclosed space, it'll leave a bad smell in the van for months…" Pein explained.

Sir Leader spoke the truth. McDonalds could stink up the car the way a skunk would, if you found it hitchhiking and for some stupid reason decided to give it a lift to the next town.

"Well, excuse me then. Just because I didn't get pneumonia from being locked outside all last night, in the fucking cold and without a shirt, doesn't mean the cold doesn't affect me…"

Sasori poked Hidan in the ribs, and Hidan threw his unused ketchup packets at the puppet.

Sasori was using the ketchup to lube up his joints while Kisame was throwing French fries out the window, watching gulls catch them in flight.

It was a rather peaceful moment for the Akatsuki…until someone threw a lit cigarette. One of the gulls ate it and exploded, splattering bits of bird all over Pein's Dodge Caravan.

Everyone looked at Konan, who was the only one in the group who smoked (don't ask me why a woman made of paper would pick up such a habit). She flicked her ashes out the window and glared at Pein.

"It wasn't me, this is the first one I lit up."

"Deidara?" Pein asked.

"Hey, it wasn't me either, un! It was _him!_"

Deidara pointed to Itachi, who was sitting next to him, eating his chicken nuggets with a detached look on his face.

"Itachi, did you feed that sea gull a cigarette and cause it to explode all over my van?"

Itachi scooped out a good amount of sweet n' sour sauce with his chicken nugget, ate it, and then looked over to the left side of the van, where red goop and white feathers were splattered all over the windows.

"No."

"He's _lying_, hm!" Deidara yelled.

"Whatever. I'm going to drive to a car wash, and you two are going to get this shit off my van before the paint peels. Got it?"

"Yes sir…" Both ninja droned.

* * *

The car wash happened to be right next to a CVS, so while Itachi (via Kisame) and Deidara cleaned up the van, Pein and the others decided to look around in the store. 

Zetsu, in case you're wondering, was back at home, sleeping in the garden. He did that a lot during the winter.

"Hey, they got a sale on Oreos! Two for five, un!" Deidara said, grabbing some. Kakuzu glared.

"It's…an early Christmas present…from me, to all of us, un!" He said, clutching two packages of Oreos to his chest.

Kakuzu shook his head.

"I won't have Oreos in the house."

"Oh, come on! Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean the rest of us have to be! Hm!"

"Deidara-senpai…I don't think you should be eating any more junk food…" Tobi said, sort of hiding behind Sasori (which is silly, since Sasori is only four feet tall).

Deidara narrowed his eyes, mouth a thin line.

"And why not?"

Tobi pointed a finger at his chin, thinking.

"Um…because your butt is getting bigger…"

"WHAT!?"

"I'm sorry, but it's true! You're getting fat off of sweets! I saw your secret stash the other day while cleaning, and…"

"You found my secret stash?!"

Kakuzu's eyes were glowing dangerously.

"Er…I mean, what secret stash? Ha ha! Hm!"

"Put those god forsaken cookies back, and have a power bar," Kakuzu said, thrusting one at Deidara. The missing Rock nin crushed it in his hand, had his palm spit on it and threw it at Kakuzu's face.

"To hell with your fucking diet! I'm a grown man, I can eat whatever I want, un!"

Kakuzu squinted his eyes shut and counted to ten. In three separate languages. When he opened his eyes, Deidara was gone. Hell, everyone was gone, except for…

"Tobi thinks grandpa Kakuzu is silly!"

"What the…?"

"You took a nap standing up!"

"How long was I out?"

"Um, I don't know…I can't tell time."

"Shit…let's get out of here, Tobi," Kakuzu said, wondering for the first time if old age was finally catching up to him.

When they went outside, they found the van nice and clean and idling in a handicapped parking spot. And old lady in a wheelchair rolled by, shaking an angry fist at Pein, who definitely didn't have a blue handicapped sticker plastered to his windshield.

"Hidan, give that old lady the Akatsuki salute."

The Jashin priest stuck his head out the window and tapped his forehead with his middle finger, smiling cheekily. The old lady gasped in outrage.

* * *

Back at home, everyone was gathering around the TV to watch Itachi channel surf. 

Konan was sitting on the sofa while Pein reclined, his head resting in her lap, a candy cane poking out of his mouth (he'd stocked up on enough candy canes by now to feed the needy in Africa for ten years, if they didn't mind living off of candy with no dietary value.)

"Well, I think that's it for the shopping," Konan said in a business-like tone, looking at a list she'd peeled off of her arm.

"We've been to the Happy Mask Shop—"

"Tobi likes masks!"

"—and Kmart…Wallmart…and even Steinmart…"

"Yeah, we get the fucking picture already," Hidan said, "I never want to set foot in anything ending in 'mart' ever again. Seriously."

"We've gone to Michaels, Joan's Fabrics and Dick Blick…"

"…all art stores are fucking gay as hell…" Hidan interrupted.

"Macy's…Target…Best Buy…Toys R Us…"

"Tobi likes toys!"

"And don't forget Lover's Lane, un," Deidara said with a knowing smile. Konan turned red and sent a flock of killer paper sea gulls at him, and he ducked into the utility room, hiding in a basket of laundry.

"Shopping for everyone in one day is exhausting," Kisame said, and then he went into a daze, watching images flash across the TV screen.

Presents, some immaculately wrapped, others shoved into gift bags and barely hidden with a layer of tissue paper, were tucked underneath the Christmas tree, which was actually rather pretty. Even the kunai hanging from its branches glittered serenely, looking more like unique ornaments than ninja weapons.

* * *


	5. Attack of the Carolers

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 5: Attack of the Carolers **

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or Gumby or anything else. **

**Summary: The Akatsuki house is under attack. By Christmas carolers. When even pain of death proves futile, Pein breaks out a secret weapon he found in the attic. Origin of the Gumby mailbox. Sort of. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read "Reading Material.")**

* * *

Kakuzu was sitting in the kitchen, sipping at his heart healthy orange juice and reading the paper. When his partner wandered in to fetch a cup of coffee, Kakuzu addressed him without prying his eyes away from the business section. 

"Hey, Hidan?"

"Yeah, Kaka Zoo?"

"Why don't you go outside and…" Kakuzu did a double take.

"Wait…what the hell did you just call me?"

Hidan poured half a pound of sugar into his mug of java and smirked at the old man.

"Kaka Zoo."

Kaka Zoo, I mean, Kakuzu peered over his paper to glare at Hidan.

"Are you trying to get your head ripped off by lunchtime, or what?" Kakuzu growled. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Leader said no decapitation during the holidays."

"Yeah, well he also said no killing, and if I remember correctly, you and Sir Leader murdered civilians earlier this week."

"Hey, I also fucking got electrocuted and left out in the cold to have Zetsu stand over me drooling and arguing with himself all fucking night!"

"Speaking of Zetsu…he still needs to be fed. And since Leader and Konan are out running errands, I'm in charge. I call the shots. And I am telling you to feed Zetsu."

"Or what? You'll chop off one of my limbs, eviscerate me or, let me guess…steal my heart?"

"Something like that, yeah," Kakuzu admitted.

"You know what? I don't care if that fucking Pein in the Ass put you in charge. You can suck my dick."

"…"

Hidan dashed out of the kitchen, flying threads narrowly missing him as he went.

The priest ran into Deidara, who looked absolutely terrified.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Didi?"

"Singing, un…the singing…oh…God…the singing won't stop, hm!" Deidara whispered in the tone of one who would say 'I see dead people' and rushed into the kitchen.

Hidan arched an eyebrow.

"Fucking singing…he must be spraying Pledge up his nose again…"

The priest found the living room devoid of people, namely channel surfing Uchihas, and grabbed the remote. Just when he pointed it at the tube, however, the doorbell rang.

"Hey, can someone get the fucking door?!" Hidan shouted. Usually Tobi came running. This time, however, there was no response.

The doorbell rang again.

"Where's a basketball head when ya need one?" Hidan muttered as he got up to answer the god damned door.

* * *

Back in the kitchen, Deidara was blabbering on to Kakuzu about hordes of singing demons dressed like extras in a theatrical presentation of "A Christmas Carol." 

"Deidara, calm down. Are you…are you telling me that you're afraid of Christmas carolers?"

Deidara stared at Kakuzu, blue eyes wide, mouth gaping in a silent scream. Slowly, he nodded.

Kakuzu inhaled…and exhaled. It was too early in the morning to deal with Deidara's strange antics.

"Can't Sasori help you with this? I have to feed Zetsu."

Of course, Kakuzu was just sitting there reading the paper, but it was on his mind.

"I tried to tell him, but he hid in the closet! And you know I can't go in there, un!"

Kakuzu threw down his paper and stood up.

He looked out the kitchen window, where he could see Zetsu half buried in snow, fly trap closed to the cold.

"If you go feed Zetsu, I'll take care of the carolers."

Deidara looked like Christmas had come a few days early.

"Really? You'll do that for me? Hmm?"

Kakuzu's eyebrows shot up into his mask.

"Uh…yeah."

Deidara hugged Kakuzu, freaking him out royally, and skipped off.

"He must be spraying Pledge up his nose again…"

* * *

"_We wish you a merry Christmas, _

_we wish you a merry Christmas, _

_we wish you a merry Christmas…_

_and a happy new year!"_

Hidan was holding tightly to his rosary, mumbling a prayer to Jashin as the carolers bombarded him with holiday cheer.

The door was closed, as Hidan had cursed their mothers and slammed it firmly shut, but the singing continued. It was as horrible as Deidara had said. The singing…wouldn't…fucking…stop.

When "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" started up, Hidan grabbed up his scythe and a few spikes, took a deep breath, and threw the door back open. The sight of the carolers and their wrinkled, smiling faces and traditional garb was revolting, but Hidan prayed for Jashin to give him strength.

The priest cut his wrist, used the blood to draw the sacred triforce on the doormat, and went into battle.

* * *

Kakuzu was going to take care of the singing disturbances, but when he got to the front door, which was left open (to Kakuzu's horror, who preached about energy conservation as often as Hidan preached about sin), he found nothing but corpses littering the porch and the blood stained snow. 

"Fa la fucking la…"

The cursing was coming from next door.

Kakuzu followed the trail of red splatters and found Hidan in the neighbor's front yard, bleeding profusely and resting up against the legs of a giant plastic reindeer.

However, when Kakuzu approached his partner, the priest looked back to the house, staring and pointing in disbelief.

"Can you believe this shit? Reinforcements!"

Kakuzu turned his head and sure enough, half a dozen old people were marching up the Akatsuki drive, moving the corpses out of the walkway.

One elderly man rang the doorbell, and started his troupe in another song. This time it was "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."

Kakuzu's four hearts (he's been down a heart since chapter two of this story) beat rapidly in his body. This. Was. War.

Kakuzu looked around, wondering how to best assuage the situation. He looked across the street at Mr. Garrison's Hummer, and was struck with an idea.

The missing Falls nin made a hand seal and ran over to the gigantic gas hog. He lifted it over his head and hurled it at the Christmas abominations, squashing all six carolers as effectively as a giant boot smashing a bug.

"Fucking heathens…" Hidan murmured, and passed out from blood loss.

Out of necessity rather than camaraderie, Kakuzu slung Hidan's arm over his shoulder and dragged the priest over to the house, kicking bodies out of his way as he went.

Itachi and Kisame were standing in the doorway, utterly perplexed, while Deidara had his face plastered to the living room window.

"I told you they were scary, hm!" Deidara whispered in horror. Itachi and Kisame moved out of the way to let Kakuzu and Hidan in. Kakuzu dumped Hidan on the tacky Persian rug he never liked anyway, and looked to the Blonde on the love seat.

"Did you feed Zetsu?"

Deidara rolled his eyes.

"What, you think I skirted my duties, hm?"

Kakuzu gave Deidara a disbelieving look.

Deidara threw his hands up.

"Alright, alright! I didn't get to it yet, un!"

"Then grab some of those bodies out there. Zetsu prefers human meat anyway."

With his lower lip sticking out in a childish pout, Deidara started dragging corpses into the backyard, promising to sabotage the missing Falls nin's heart medication when he was done.

* * *

"Oh my God, un! They're back again!" 

"Who?" Sasori asked, coming down the stairs. Kisame scrunched his nose when the pungent scent of imitation lemons wafted up his nostrils. Sharks have a keen sense of smell, you know. Well…ninja sharks do, anyway.

"The Christmas carolers! Hidan and Kakuzu killed a bunch of them, but more keep coming!"

"They've come to avenge their clan," Itachi said. Everyone looked at him. Itachi looked at everyone. His eyes swirled dangerously.

Everyone looked back to the approaching carolers, who halted on the sidewalk and started singing "Tis the Season to Be Jolly."

* * *

When Pein pulled his van into the driveway an hour later, he thought he must have missed a turn and ended up in a Twilight Zone Christmas Special. Fifty or so carolers were gathered in front of the house, swaying in time to song. Those in front who were struck down with kunai or exploding ornaments were quickly replaced with those in the back. 

The front lawn had been converted into an ice sculpture gallery. And for some reason, Zetsu was chewing on one of the human sized works of art.

Konan and Tobi got out of the van and simply stared.

"I thought you said Kakuzu would keep them in line!" Konan yelled to her partner. Pein popped a candy cane into his mouth and shrugged.

"Tobi loves Christmas carols!" Tobi said, running to join the carolers. He was promptly hit in the face with a Martha Stewart tree ornament, which exploded. If he had been a normal person, he would have had his head blown off.

However, he just wiped away the broken bits of glass like it was confetti.

"Deidara-senpai! It's me, Tobi!"

Another exploding ornament hit him in the face.

Pein and Konan watched Tobi and the Christmas carolers sing and get hit with exploding things, wondering what was so bad about carolers…and then after ten minutes, their minds started to come undone.

The singing clung to their ears like annoying holiday ear wax, and there is no Qtip known to man that can swab that kind of shit.

It was the kind of sound that reverberated in your head long after you've escaped from it…the kind of sound that makes you want to jam the pointy end of an icicle in your eardrum to blot out the noise forever.

Konan summoned a flurry of sharpened paper snow flakes at the carolers, grabbed Tobi by the hand, and the trio ran for cover as blood sprayed in all directions.

"But what about Zetsu!" Tobi cried.

When they had made it into the doorway, they turned to see Zetsu snacking on the wounded.

"He can fend for himself," Pein said, and slammed the door shut. The bells on the wreath jingled merrily.

* * *

Another hour passed, and by now, the entire front section of the Akatsuki house had been converted into a war zone. The bay window was busted out, curtains ripped to shreds, door wide open. 

Kunai sporting explosive tags, clay bombs, exploding ornaments and Sasori's spare parts were soaring through the air in such numbers that they blocked out the sun.

Cars were flipped upside down. Piles of bodies littered the entire block. Neighbors hid in their basements, praying to God that they didn't run out of toilet paper before the war was over.

Quite a few bodies were turned into human icicles as Kisame's water attacks froze them in the chill air.

The shark nin was resting with his back up against the upturned couch, panting.

"I'm worn out," he said, and since that man had a monstrous supply of chakra, that was really saying something.

Hidan was passed out from blood loss again. For some reason, his middle fingers were missing. Probably because he kept poking them up in the line of fire, and flying kunai happened to cleanly sever them from his body.

It could have been anyone. But my bet is on Kakuzu.

The missing Falls nin was sitting next to his partner, snoring. He had his masked demons out, but they had stopped fighting too. Mr. Chiclets was humping the Christmas tree while Horn Dog and Bird Brain were chewing on a dog bone.

Kakuzu's fourth mask had been crumbled away when he died in chapter two.

"I think that's the last of my clay, un," Deidara said as he hurled one last chibi Santa Claus out the window.

There was a scream of agonizing pain.

"They killed Kenny!" one of the carolers said, breaking away from "Frosty the Snowman."

"You bastards!" Another one cried in anger.

Deidara flung a wooden arm, and it hit that last caroler in the head, knocking him out. Sasori, who was once attached to that arm, slipped inside Hiruko and fled. He'd had enough.

"Damn…we're out of spare parts too, hm."

Itachi, it turned out, was very sensitive to irritating noises, and had been knocked unconscious early on in the fight. He was propped up against an upturned easy chair.

Konan was peeling, and if she stripped off any more layers of paper, she'd cease to exist.

Tobi wasn't bothered by the carolers in the slightest, and didn't understand why they were fighting, so he just watched the show, munching on Hot Cheatos he'd nicked from Deidara's underwear drawer.

Pein himself had refrained from fighting, because, honestly, he still didn't know what his techniques were. True, he had six bodies, and he had awesome eyes, and the coolest body piercings in all the land.

But looking around in the trenches, Pein realized that it was time that the Leader of Akatsuki took charge. So Sir Leader left a half asleep Kakuzu in charge and crept upstairs to the attic to wake up his other bodies.

When he got to the attic, however, he spotted something in the far corner. Something devious. Something that almost made Pein soil himself. It was that fucking scary. What was it?

"Is that…a mailbox fashioned in the likeness of a Satanic Gumby?"

Pein crept closer to the abomination of God and Jashin and everything in between, and was struck with a great idea.

* * *

When Hidan came to again, it was to see Pein dragging a giant diabolical green bean across the carpeting. The thing locked eyes with the priest for a moment, and in that moment, Hidan knew that the Antichrist was upon them. Then he passed out from shock.

* * *

Pein ignored the carolers as best he could, but their incessant singing made his brain feel like it was melting and leaking out of his sinuses. He managed to drag the mailbox over the ice and snow and bodies, step carefully around a snoozing Zetsu, and posted it at the curb. 

When the Gumby mailbox was secure, Pein sensed a strange power enveloping the perimeter, and the carolers stopped singing abruptly.

The singing annoyances fled the scene, screaming bloody murder. It was music to Pein's ears. He decided that although the mailbox was inherently evil, it would have to stay at least until the holiday season was over.

* * *


	6. Orochimaru's World Famous Fruitcake

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 6: Orochimaru's World Famous Fruit Cake **

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas. **

**Summary: The Akatsuki organization gets a mysterious box from Orochimaru. It appears to contain a simple cake, but…is it edible? Featuring Alzheimer's riddled Kakuzu, Itachi on the john, overprotective Kisame, food poisoned Deidara and a special appearance by Kimimaro. **

**A/N: Inspired by Jim Gaffigan, a comedian who fucking kills me with his whole act on hot pockets. Search his name on youtube and you'll be…uh….killed too. **

* * *

It was a beautiful winter day. Snow had covered up most of the evidence of the war that had happened the day before, and even the upturned Hummer in the ice rink that was once a front lawn was bedecked with extra icicle lights and topped off with a giant blow up snowman. 

Tobi even went as far as to wrap lights around the Gumby mailbox, but all that did was bring out the malicious glint in Gumby's bloodshot eyes.

When the mailman came by, he refused to go near the mailbox and gave the mail to Zetsu instead. When Kakuzu went to fetch the mail, he found Zetsu at the doorstep, an arm gripping several white envelopes clamped in the missing Grass nin's jaws.

Kakuzu pried the mail from the hand and closed the door, grateful that he hadn't had to actually approach that horrible monstrosity that only posed as something as mundane and seemingly harmless as a mailbox.

The old missing Falls nin looked through the mail quickly, throwing away credit card applications and letters from Sasori's grandmother. The electric bill had come, and Kakuzu opened that one, reading through it carefully before nearly having a heart attack. Holy shit. They were going to all convert to Hanukkah. Right now. Candles were much more cost effective than thousands of power hungry electric lights.

Kakuzu set the expensive bill on the coffee table and ran upstairs to the bathroom to fetch his heart medication. I don't know exactly what kind of medication it is, but he likes to take it when he fears for his heart's life.

The bathroom door was closed, and Kakuzu pounded on it.

"Hurry the hell up, if I don't take my heart medication I'm going to have a heart attack!"

"Uchihas don't hurry," came the cold response. Great. He'd caught Itachi on the crapper.

Knowing Itachi, he'd take his time out of spite, so Kakuzu decided to see if he had any pills left in his underwear drawer. He dashed to his bedroom, tripped over Hidan's scythe and hit his head on a gigantic metal tin bearing a cozy Christmas village scene.

Kakuzu struggled to his feet, feeling dazed, his hearts racing, a massive knot growing on his forehead.

"HIDAN!" Kakuzu howled. The priest was no where to be found, so Kakuzu assumed he was mutilating himself in his sacrificial chamber.

Kakuzu could deal with the zealot later. He staggered over to his dresser and pulled the top drawer open, sifting through boxers and briefs and those weird stockings everyone in Akatsuki pulls over their sandals, feeling around for one of his blessed little white pills.

He was disappointed.

Kakuzu checked his bed, throwing blankets, pillows, sheets (and a very worn out stuffy of Mr. Krabs from Sponge Bob) everywhere, upended the wastepaper basket, pulled out all of the drawers in his desk, hell, he even searched Hidan's things.

When Hidan came into the room, he found Kakuzu laying in the priest's bed, utterly exhausted and pressing the back of his hand to his head like a drama queen pining for death.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bed, faggot ass?"

Kakuzu looked over to Hidan and sat up.

"Guess I wore myself out…" Kakuzu grunted. Hidan had a vein throbbing in his temple, seeing all of his things strewn about as if he'd been raided by Hidden Rain's ninja police. Again.

"Why did you fuck up the whole place, huh?"

Kakuzu blinked. Why _did_ he mess up the room? The potential Alzheimer's victim scratched his head.

"I…I was looking for my heart medication."

"Yeah? Then why the hell did you fuck my shit up too? There's only one fruity ass pill popping bastard in this room, and it sure as hell isn't me."

Kakuzu couldn't remember why he'd searched Hidan's stuff. Then he recalled tripping over Hidan's scythe.

"I think it was revenge…or something…I'm going to go look in the bathroom," Kakuzu muttered distractedly, leaving behind a very confused Hidan.

"I think he's been sniffing at Sasori's stash of Pledge again," Hidan said with a laugh. Was everyone in the house a fucking Pledge addict now? The Gumby mailbox thought so, but then again, it couldn't really voice its opinion because it was just a mailbox. (Of course, that didn't stop the authoress from putting that in anyway. Crackfic, anyone?)

* * *

When Kakuzu got to the bathroom, the door was still closed. Of course, since he was suffering from Alzheimer's, he didn't know he'd already been here twenty minutes ago, so he pounded on the door as if he didn't know who was in there. 

"Hurry the hell up, if I don't take my heart medication I'm going to have a heart attack!"

"I already told you, Uchihas don't hurry."

"If you don't finish up in five minutes, I'm coming in there," Kakuzu threatened.

"…"

"No, you are not. I will annihilate you."

"Without your sharingan, your threats are useless," Kakuzu growled.

Kakuzu staked out the bathroom for five minutes, and when Itachi's time was up, Kakuzu gripped the doorknob, jingling it threateningly.

"KISAME!!!" Itachi screamed uncharacteristically as Kakuzu wrenched the door open.

Kakuzu yelped in pain as something big and sharp cut into his back, stabbing through one of his hearts. He had a brief glimpse of Itachi with his pants down on the toilet, pulling his cloak down over his ass, before Kisame pulled Kakuzu away and slammed the door shut.

Kisame was glaring at Kakuzu in a way that chilled his blood and froze his threadlike blood vessels solid.

"You…you killed Hawkeye…" the dead man grunted. Damn. He was down to just three hearts now.

"You mean Bird Brain?"

"…whatever…"

"You know you're not supposed to attack Itachi when he's vulnerable…that's rule number three on the list posted in the kitchen."

"Hmph. I was just trying to get my heart medication. I really don't want to kill someone while they're taking a load off…"

Kisame smirked.

"Run away now, before I give you another close shave," Kisame growled, his Samehada snarling in response. That thing is gross and freaky and totally awesome. You know it is.

Kakuzu went back to his room to pass out. Maybe when he woke up, he'd remember what the hell all the fuss had been about.

* * *

Deidara had taken the time while Itachi took a crap to watch the claymation spectacular of "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town." 

The missing Rock nin was clutching a pillow, eyes wide, toes curled together. Sasori sat next to him, lubing up the new arm he'd attached late last night.

"That Burgermeister is so mean, un!" Deidara said in outrage. He clearly hated the idea of anyone denying children toys. Sasori agreed. A child without a doll was like a puppet without chakra strings.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Deidara froze in his seat, a tear leaking out of his right eye.

"Oh no…it can't be carolers again!"

Sasori leapt off of the couch and ran upstairs to hide in the closet.

"Tobi, get the door!" Deidara shrieked. Tobi came running and with a salute, he did as he was told.

"Oh, hello Mr. UPS man sir! Huh? Oh, no…I can't read or write…but Deidara-senpai can! OY! Deidara-senpai! Mr. UPS man sir wants you to sign for this box!"

"A box…un?" Deidara echoed, getting up and walking cautiously over to the door. Tobi moved aside so Deidara could sign.

He dotted his 'I' with a heart and gave the clipboard back to the UPS man, who looked suspiciously like Kimimaro.

"Here ya go," Kimimaro the UPS man said, thrusting the package at the missing Rock nin and running off with his arms behind him, ninja style. There was no UPS truck.

Either UPS was cutting costs, or Orochimaru was paying his subordinates with hot steamy snakey sex instead of money, causing them to seek part time jobs in order to acquire funds.

Deidara watched Kimimaro the UPS man disappear in the snow frosted trees and then looked at the slightly squashed box in his arms.

"Stop it, un," Deidara said to his right hand, which was gnawing at a corner.

Then the missing Rock nin looked at Tobi.

"Uh…did that UPS man look a hell of a lot like Kimimaro?"

Tobi shrugged.

"Who's Kimimaro?"

"Never mind, hmm? Just…here, open this box before my hands beat you to it."

Deidara handed the box over to Tobi, who squealed with delight.

"Ooh, look, Deidara-senpai…it's a cake!"

"Un?"

Deidara, who ate so much sugar it was a wonder he wasn't a diabetic, grabbed the box back from Tobi and looked at it. His face fell, however, when he saw what kind of cake it was.

"Should have known…it's fruitcake. Go throw it out, un?"

"But what could be bad about fruitcake? It looks delicious!"

"Did someone say fruitcake?" Pein asked as he walked down the stairs.

"Un. Kimimaro dressed as a UPS delivery guy gave it to us."

Pein's eyes widened.

"…"

"Kimi…Kimimaro…UPS…_fruitcake_…"

Pein turned to Konan, whose nerves were so shot she'd lit up a cigarette and puffed at it like a choo choo train.

"Konan, Orochimaru sent us a fruitcake."

Konan exhaled.

"Yeah, I see that."

"Where's our poisons expert?" Pein asked, looking pointedly at Deidara.

"He's hiding in the closet again, hm."

Pein looked at Deidara.

"So go get him."

"Un…I did say he was in the closet….right?"

Pein raised his eyebrows, pulled his candy cane out of his mouth and pointed it warningly at the blonde.

"I'll go get him," Deidara said quickly, running up the stairs.

* * *

"Hey, Sasori no Danna? Um…we need you to find out if there's poison in a fruitcake we got in the mail, hm." 

"Go away! I'm Pledging!"

"…un…but Leader said…"

The door to the closet creaked open and a big, pretty brown plastic eye that once belonged to a Furby in Singapore peered at the missing Rock nin.

"What did I tell you about interrupting me when I'm in the Pledge Shrine?"

"But the fruitcake is from Orochimaru! Un!"

"Orochimaru…?!"

"Un."

"Why can't that Michael Jackson wannabe just leave me alone!" Sasori cried, slamming the door shut and hugging his ancient can of Pledge close.

"Sh…sh…it's going to be okay," the puppet murmured to the can, rocking it slowly back and forth.

* * *

Deidara returned alone, much to Pein's disappointment. 

"Well, I guess it can't be helped. We're going to have to test it the old fashioned way: the taste test."

"No!" Deidara gasped. By now, everyone but Sasori and Zetsu had crowded around the fruitcake on the coffee table. Konan smoked, looking odd with a (pre-licked) candy cane stuck in her hair.

Hidan was eyeing the fruitcake apprehensively. He had a feeling that Leader was going to make him try it, and for once, the priest was keeping his mouth shut. Without the aid of stitches or a broken jaw.

Kakuzu had fallen asleep in the easy chair. Really, what was with him lately?

Itachi tried to find the fruitcake's weakness with his sharingan, but he might as well have tried to guess what was up Orochimaru's ass for all the good it did him.

Kisame had his Samehada at the ready, untrusting of the strange holiday dessert.

Finally, Pein spoke.

"Who wants to volunteer for a taste test?"

Tobi, the resident idiot, raised his hand in the air as if he knew the answer to the eternal question. That eternal question is, of course…who or what is under Kakashi's mask?

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, Leader-sama! I love fruit, and cake too!"

Pein nodded to Konan, who peeled two sheets of paper from her arm. One sheet became a paper plate, while the other became a knife.

Very carefully, with her cigarette jutting from between her lips, Konan cut a slice of cake, and just as cautiously, placed it on the plate. She offered it to Tobi, who took it with gratitude.

Everyone watched with baited breath as Tobi cut a chunk of cake with the side of his fork, poked it and lifted it to his…mask. The resident idiot paused and looked around at everyone.

"Um…Tobi can't eat while you're all watching! Pervs!"

"Aw…shit…" Hidan said. He fucking _knew_ it was too good to be true. He would have to try the God forsaken cake, and die of food poisoning.

"Can't you just lift your mask up and eat it?" Kisame asked, eager to see even a sliver of the mysterious nimrod's face. Tobi shook his head.

"Ha ha Tobi thinks Kisame-san's funny! I super glued it on, silly!"

"Then how do you eat?" Itachi asked. He was so curious about Tobi and his mysterious…ness…that he sometimes had to read Kisame's shark porn magazines just to distract his mind from the odd nin with no apparent ability except for the useless single sharingan.

"I slip tiny bits of food through my eyehole, of course!"

Pein nodded and looked to Deidara.

"Since you signed for it….you eat it."

"What?"

Tobi slid the plate to Deidara, who glared at it. He knocked away the fork Tobi tried to give him and held his left hand over the cake.

Deidara chanced a look at Leader, whose face had gone as blank at Itachi's.

The mouth on Deidara's palm opened, tongue licking at the cake. It smacked its…lips…and then happily wolfed down the rest of the cake.

Deidara held his palm to his face, looking at it fearfully.

"Well?" Pein asked. Deidara made a face and choked, coughing up a little green round thing into his hand.

Everyone moved backwards with revulsion.

"What…what the hell, un? Is this a skittle?"

Indeed, Deidara had coughed up a skittle. But wait…there was more. He started hacking again, this time, a rolled up piece of paper came out.

"Ew…" Tobi said.

"Is it a treasure map?" Kakuzu asked, awakened from his nap by the retching.

"No…un…it's a Christmas card from Orochimaru."

"Oh," Kakuzu said, disappointed, and fell back to sleep.

Konan put her bifocals on and read it out loud.

"_Dear Akatsuki, my subordinates and I wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. If whoever you made eat this survives to see Christmas day, I will invite you all to my New Year's Eve Super Sonic Party. Make sure to have a designated driver. _

_Sincerely yours, _

_Orochimaru_

Well," Konan added when she'd finished, "sounds fun, right?"

* * *

In his closet turned Pledge Shrine, Sasori whimpered feebly, feeling that his imminent death would occur before the new year could begin.

* * *

"Un…I'm going to go…throw up now…" Deidara stuttered, staggering off to vomit skittles and twenty year old prunes until the enamel on his teeth melted off completely.

* * *

**A/N2: Don't worry, our beloved little missing Rock nin will be fine. Sasori would never let his Dei Dei die of food poisoning. Artists are meant to go out with a bang, right? Un! **


	7. Snow Day

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 7: Snow Day**

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**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: Snow angel competitions, fatal car accidents and sledding down Uchiha Hummer Mountain. These are a few of my favorite things. **

* * *

For some reason, Deidara set his alarm clock for 5 o'clock in the morning. He wasn't feeling well because of the fruit cake his left hand had eaten the day before, and seriously considered sleeping in until twelve. 

However, it took him at least an hour to wake up….and then he had to do his _hair_.

Plus, since he had to share the same bathroom with five other people, he either had to get up early to beat the morning rush, or sleep out in the hallway in front of the bathroom door, waiting for Kisame to finish swimming in the bathtub.

Regardless of the state of his health, Deidara simply _had_ to get up. So, when his alarm clock went off at the ungodly hour, the explosions expert blew it up (he went through 365 alarm clocks a year) and rolled out of bed.

He didn't see Sasori, but then again, Sasori's bed hadn't been slept in since that incident where Hidan planted termites under the sheets. There were creaking and spraying noises coming from the closet, so Deidara figured his Danna was in there, doing what, Deidara didn't quite know.

But he had a few ideas. Very naughty ideas. Those ideas would keep him company in the shower. (Wait…what? Quit trying to get inside Dei Dei's head. Those are private thoughts, un!)

Deidara, as expected, was the first one up to use the shower. He spent forty-five minutes on his hair…another half an hour on washing up his body (this is the part where those naughty thoughts came in handy), and ten minutes washing out the mouths on his palms.

Hey, clay is hard to wash out, un!

At one point the intensely hot water made him woozy, and he nearly threw up while showering (ew), but he managed to hold it in. Poor thing spent enough time hacking his brains out the night before.

When the showering was done, Deidara spent forty-five minutes blow drying his hair and arranging it just right. He probably has the most complicated hairdo in the entire Naruto universe, and it has to look exactly the same every time.

After brushing three sets of teeth, plucking his eyebrows, tweezing his nose hairs and applying eyeliner to his gorgeous azure eyes, Deidara was ready to face the world.

When Deidara crept downstairs to make coffee, he found Tobi sitting on the love seat in the living room, staring out of the window and kicking his heels like a child.

"Hey, Tobi," Deidara said in greeting. The basketball head turned and bounced onto his feet.

"Oh, good morning, Deidara-senpai! Isn't it wonderful? It's snowing!"

"Un…it's been snowing off and on for the past month," Deidara murmured, unimpressed. He needed to get at least three cups of coffee in before he could properly handle a conversation with Tobi.

"But it snowed a lot! The Hummer looks like a mountain!" (Remember, there's an upturned Hummer in the yard from the attack of the Christmas Carolers still.)

"Humbug…Mountain Dew…un…" Deidara mumbled in his caffeine deprived state and turned on his heel to the kitchen to fix himself up a great big mug full of Konoha Krystal Koffee.

* * *

At around nine, everyone else was up and about. Everyone gathered around the table for a proper breakfast for once. Pein and Tobi cooked and chatted happily about all the fun they were going to have in the snow today. 

After everyone had eaten, Zetsu came in the house, royally pissed because he'd fallen asleep last night with his fly trap open and was up to his eyeballs in snow. Itachi and Kisame were hired to sort the plant man out.

"_I fell asleep first, why did you leave the trap open?"_

"**I thought you wanted the fresh air…I don't know what you're bitching about…I found it exhilarating…"**

"_You were trying to kill us again, weren't you?"_

"…**how ****dare**** you insinuate that I could possibly be simultaneously suicidal AND homicidal!"**

"Both of you stop it," Konan said to the plant man with the dual personality. She was drying the dishes with her hand made paper towels while Kakuzu put them away. Hey, he didn't mind. He was the only one who could reach the tall cabinets with his detachable arms.

Itachi finished (carefully) melting all of the snow in Zetsu's fly trap, while Kisame siphoned all of the melt water away. Fire and Water was a useful combo to have when you were up to your eyeballs in snow.

"Alright, now that we're all fed, let's go sledding!" Pein declared. Tobi and Kisame cheered. Deidara groaned.

"I would rather stay inside, un. I'm still feeling sick…"

"Wait…isn't Sasori supposed to be finding a cure for the poison in that fruitcake, so you can survive and we can go to Orochimaru's New Year's Eve party?" Konan asked while flicking her ashes in the sink. (Does anyone else see an awesome opportunity for a sequel?)

Deidara nodded.

"Un…but all Sasori's been doing is hiding in the closet. I think he's depressed because he hasn't gotten any letters from his grandma, hm."

Kakuzu (who'd been tossing all of Sasori's mail in the trash for the past year) dropped Deidara's favorite coffee mug and it shattered into a million pieces too small to be properly glued back together.

Deidara squeezed his eyes shut, teeth bared.

"Don't tell me that was my signature Konoha Krystal Koffee mug with the limited edition hazelnut glaze…un…"

Hidan blinked, not sure what hazelnut glaze was supposed to look like…but he did see quite a few broken K's on the linoleum.

"It's just a coffee cup…" Kakuzu said slowly.

Kakuzu was rarely afraid of people smaller than him other than Itachi and Pein. But Deidara had a very evil glint to his eye. What was worse was that Deidara slipped a hand inside his cloak, and pulled out…a twenty dollar bill.

Kakuzu's eyes followed the twenty as Deidara waved it in the missing Falls nin's face.

"See this pretty new twenty? Hmm? I'm going to rip it again…and again…and again…_right in front of you_…un…"

Kakuzu's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Sacrilege…" Kakuzu whispered in horror. He clutched at his chest, fully aware that he only had three hearts right now, and was in danger of losing another one.

Kakuzu reached for his heart medication, which he found in the medicine cabinet and decided to keep it on his person at all times from now on.

When Kakuzu popped one of the tiny white pills in his mouth and swallowed, he immediately started to feel his heart palpitations calm down to a more normal rhythm.

And then his gut exploded.

The missing Falls nin collapsed on top of the shattered remains of Deidara's favorite coffee mug, and the shock of having his guts in disarray caused Kakuzu to have a heart attack and die, and so, bringing the number of hearts down to just two.

"Deidara," Pein sighed as he pulled on his boots, "did you plant explosives inside Kakuzu's heart medication?"

"Un."

* * *

"Just…one…more…push…" Konan grunted. 

She was helping Tobi get dressed to go outside, and was presently forcing an extra thick glove over his already gloved left hand.

Finally, the glove was secure, all of Tobi's fingers were accounted for, and Konan slumped in her chair, the end of her cigarette nothing but a long curling stick of ashes.

"YAY! Tobi wants to build an igloo and invite everyone to an Eskimo tea party!"

"You're fucking nuts. Eskimos don't drink tea. They drink Vodka," Hidan said. His voice came out muffled because he was wearing a ski mask that only allowed his furiously pink eyes to show.

"Why the hell are you bothering with the ski mask if you're still going outside topless?" Kakuzu asked, who was wearing enough outdoor gear to track Polar bears in Antarctica.

"Hey, what did I tell you? Shirts are against my religion. Seriously."

"Yeah…just like green beans, right?"

Hidan spelled out the only phrase he knew in sign language: "fuck you."

The priest swung Konan's overly feminine Martha Stewart silver scarf around his neck, which clashed horribly with his fluorescent orange ski mask, making him look very much like a gay robber with no knowledge of color coordination. (If you think fluorescent orange and metallic silver look good together, I apologize. NOT.)

It wasn't quite clear why Konan had let Hidan wear her scarf. Perhaps she had a crush on the priest, and seeing him in her scarf gave her something to fantasize about while making love to Pein, who always cried out his own name when he came. (o.O dirty!)

Itachi was instantly jealous of Hidan. He had secretly been hoping she'd let _him_ wear it, because deep down inside, Itachi was Martha Stewart's biggest fan.

The Uchiha instead wore a black knitted hat, scarf and gloves that matched his Akatsuki cloak perfectly. A small Uchiha fan embroidered the front of his hat, and that matched his cloak too. If Itachi is straight, then Zetsu's a vegetarian.

Kisame actually liked the cold, so he didn't wear anything other than the usual cloak.

Pein _didn't_ like the cold, but he had the reputation as a masochist to uphold, so he didn't wear anything warmer than the Akatsuki cloak either. If it became too much for him, he'd nick one of Kakuzu's many coats.

Konan stayed inside, because in case you didn't get it by now, she's made of paper, and she doesn't like snow because she would get wet, and wet paper is only fun if you're making something with it. Like a piñata. And Konan is NOT fond of being made into a piñata.

* * *

Tobi ran outside and immediately started to climb up Hummer Mountain, but Itachi beat him to it by simply leaping up to the top. He made Kisame stick his Samehada on the 'peak' and claim it for the Uchiha clan, and looked pointedly at Tobi to gage his reaction. 

Tobi simply shrugged and slid down to get started on making his igloo.

Pein would have played in the snow, but he looked at all the other (surviving) neighbors, who were busily digging out their vehicles and shoveling the sidewalks. Mr. Peterson had a snow blower going.

"Hey, Tobi? Get me some shovels and a bag of rock salt."

"YAY Tobi loves shovels!"

"What the fuck did that idiot just say?" Hidan asked, who was eating a ball of snow while watching Deidara and Sasori construct a rather good snow sculpture of Konoha's knockoff of Mount Rushmore (you know, the mountainside in Konoha with the Hokages on it).

"Who the hell loves shovels? What is _wrong_ with him?"

Kakuzu sighed heavily.

"Can you shut up about him and zip up your cloak already? Your erect nipples are making me nauseous."

(Authoress nearly fucking dies of laughter.)

"Ha, I knew you were staring at me, faggot ass!"

Kakuzu shook his head in frustration.

When Tobi returned with three shovels, Kakuzu grabbed one and chased Hidan around the yard with it. Hidan stripped his cloak completely off and threw it in Kakuzu's face.

"Go ahead and smell it, ya fruity old queen! I know you want to!"

Kakuzu ripped the cloak off of his head, snarling and extended his arms, succeeding in banging Hidan hard on top of the head.

Hidan fell to the ground.

Kakuzu threw the discarded cloak on top of Hidan and went to work on shoveling out the sidewalk in order to distract himself from his overwhelming urge to murder the priest right on the spot.

* * *

Just when Kakuzu and Tobi had finished shoveling out the driveway, the street plow rumbled by, burying the pair knee deep in snow again. 

"_Son of a bitch!"_ Kakuzu screamed and threw his shovel at the damned thing. The force of the blow knocked the large machine over on its side. Not surprisingly, it exploded.

"Deidara!" Pein yelled. The missing Rock nin, who was just slipping his gloves back on, looked to the leader with a grin on his face.

"What? I didn't do anything!" he said, trying to sound innocent. No one was buying it.

Kakuzu was in a fully fledged rage. He ripped off ten jackets and one cloak and his remaining masked demon separated from his body.

It was Mr. Chiclets, and together, the old man and his demon ran over to the flaming pile of metal that had once been a humble street plow and pummeled it ferociously, looking very much like enraged silver backed gorillas.

"I think someone needs to go back to anger management, un…"

"Sh, you'll only make him angrier!" Sasori said as he clamped his hand over Deidara's mouth.

Hidan woke up from his nap just then and got to his feet.

"That fucking asshole!" Hidan roared, grabbing Kakuzu's abandoned shovel and running rather crookedly after the missing Falls nin. He was still dazed from the blow to the head, and his aim was rather off, so he ended up colliding with a parked car and fell on his back in the snow again, unconscious.

Itachi stood like a memorial statue atop Uchiha Hummer Mountain while Kisame sat in the snow, pouting.

"Please, Itachi-san?"

"No. You are my sidekick. And sidekicks stay at their master's…side."

"But I want to play in the snow too!"

"…"

* * *

When Kakuzu had tired himself out, and his anger subsided, he went back to the house to put his coats back on. Mr. Chiclets wanted to play in the snow, so Kakuzu put one of his coats on him and watched the masked demon build an igloo with Tobi.

* * *

Hidan woke up on the ground in time to be run over by a pick up truck with eight plastic reindeer in the bed. The Konoha redneck in the driver's seat slammed on his brakes, causing the truck to do donuts until it collided with the Gumby mailbox. The truck exploded. The last thing the Konoha redneck saw before he died was Gumby's evil eyes. 

"Oh no! Hidan-san!" Tobi howled, abandoning his igloo to rush over to help the rather smooshed priest.

Hidan got to his feet, brushing off snow. There was a black tire mark over the length of his body, and it actually made the fluorescent orange ski mask and the metallic silver scarf work. Well, almost.

Normal people would not have been able to get up after that, because their heads would be caved in. Hidan was a bit flatter than usual, but he was definitely going to survive.

But he didn't have to be happy about it.

"Fucking rednecks, I swear! Oh…oh Jashin! _I think I'm bleeding_!"

"I don't see any blood," Kakuzu said. Hidan glowered at the old man.

"I'm not fucking bleeding out of a place where you'd see it, you pansy ass piece of shit!" he snarled, and sort of duck walked to the front door as if he had something stuck up his ass.

"Rectal bleeding, un," Deidara said, snickering into his hand. Of course, Hidan managed to flick everyone off before he slammed the door shut behind him.

* * *

Most of the Akatsuki spent hours outside in the snow, building works of art, hosting Eskimo tea parties, shaking fists at plow trucks, disobeying Itachi and sledding down Uchiha Hummer Mountain anyway…and salting the driveway. 

When Tobi plopped down in the snow to make a snow angel, Itachi hopped down from his mountain, determined to outdo him. It quickly escalated into a snow angel showdown.

Tobi's snow angel was sloppy and very unimpressive. When Itachi got up from his, it didn't really look like an angel. It looked like…

"Holy shit, it's the devil," Kisame muttered. Everyone took a step back from Itachi, whose face was carefully devoid of emotion.

Pein gestured for Kisame to go next. When the shark nin stepped away from his attempt, the result was equally as mind boggling.

"What is it, un? One of those goldfish crackers? A whale?"

"It's the Jesus fish…" Kisame answered, scratching his head.

Deidara and Sasori went next.

Sasori's looked like a perfectly normal snow angel while Deidara's was a bit…provocative.

"Wow…nice hourglass figure," Kisame said with a chuckle. Deidara's snow angel looked like a bodacious babe.

Kisame ran inside the house as he was bombarded with exploding snow balls.

* * *

"Well, it looks like you win," Pein told Sasori, awarding him with a brand new can of Pledge. 

Sasori took the can and ran for it, cackling with glee. Yes, for Sasori, Christmas had come four days early.

* * *

**A/N: I swear, when I wrote the line about Kakuzu getting nauseous over Hidan's erect nipples, I was laughing so fucking hard I couldn't breathe! I don't know, sometimes one line tickles me just right...I think I'm getting dirtier in my writing...Oh and I don't know how Kakuzu magically healed from having his guts imploded...I think maybe Pein healed him. Or something. **

**And I've decided that there will definitely be a sequel to this story called "Orochimaru's World Famous Super Sonic New Year's Eve Party." Long title, but then again, Orochimaru has a long name, so his parties should too. I call it 'super sonic' because of the whole Sound village thing. If it's a multi-chapter story, it won't be a long one. But there WILL be alcohol involved, and maybe some romance too. Drunken slushy romance anyway. **


	8. Fighting Under The Mistletoe

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 8: Under the Mistletoe **

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* * *

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: Ah…mistletoe. What would a festive Akatsuki Crack Fic written by an aspiring closet Yaoi fan be without a chapter dedicated to this strange plant symbolizing male fertility? **

**Dedicated to Purplewolfstar35, who kindly requested some SasoDei action for this chapter, resulting in me throwing away the rough draft I made on the back of a failed sketch of Deidara on lined paper and rewriting the whole damned thing! But don't worry, I'm not mad, I'm glad. Anyway, there's a much steamier SasoDei in Chapter 10. Why? Because Dei Dei is a whore when he gets drunk. **

**Warning: Kissing and paperwork (sexual paperwork). Nothing graphic, just bloody kisses and a little puppet angst. **

* * *

"Hey, Deidara-senpai?" 

"What, un?"

"What is that hanging above the kitchen doorway?"

Deidara, who'd been carrying a load of dirty laundry down the stairs, looked in the direction Tobi was pointing, and rolled his eyes.

"Mistletoe, hm."

"Oh."

Tobi stared at it while Deidara headed for the utility/ laundry room.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!"

Deidara slammed his basket down on top of the dryer.

"WHAT?"

"What's mistletoe?" Tobi asked, head cocked to the side like a curious puppy.

"It's a decoration, now leave me alone, hm!"

Tobi didn't find that very helpful, so he stood there gazing at it until someone else came by.

Itachi wandered down the stairs, a book under his arm, heading right for the kitchen.

"Hey, Itachi-san!"

Itachi stopped and looked at Tobi.

"What's mistletoe?" he asked, pointing to said plant. Itachi looked at the strange thing hanging from the doorway.

"It's a parasitic plant."

Itachi proceeded into the kitchen to snag a bite of breakfast.

When Hidan came within sight of Tobi, the resident idiot had _two_ questions.

"Hidan-san!"

"What the fuck do you want, basketball head?"

"What's a parasite?"

Hidan scowled, crossing his arms. Kakuzu happened to walk down the stairs just then, settling on the couch to watch the morning news.

"Well…a parasite is an old man that waits until you're asleep to rip your heart out of your body for his own benefit, leaving you there to bleed to death."

Tobi still didn't get it, but went on to question number two anyway.

"And what's mistletoe?"

"Mistletoe? Where?!" Hidan gasped, staring around like a frightened mouse caught out in the open. He spotted the strange white berried plant and leapt across the room, landing behind the love seat. He peeked over it so that just the top of his silver head could be seen.

"Mistletoe is of the Devil! It represents carnal desires, lust, the symbol of whores and venereal disease! What the fuck is it doing in the house? Get away from it, Tobi, or you'll catch the Clap!"

Tobi, afraid of being applauded by a demonic plant that may in fact be a pedophilic old man in disguise (that's what his brain made of Hidan's confusing explanation), dashed into the utility room with Deidara, who was now sorting the lights from the darks.

Kakuzu glared at the top of Hidan's head.

"Did you just call me a parasite?"

Two middle fingers poked up from behind the love seat.

* * *

"Deidara-senpai, I'm still confused," Tobi admitted while he watched the blonde do his laundry. 

"Tobi. I'm not in the mood. Go bug someone else, hm."

"But I already did! Itachi-san said it was a parasite and Hidan said it was the devil!"

Deidara snorted with laughter.

"Yeah…figures that Hidan would say mistletoe is evil. Look, Tobi, hm? Mistletoe is just a plant people hang from the ceiling. If you get caught under it with someone else, you're supposed to kiss that person…but I doubt Leader would actually make that a rule or anything…"

"_You're fucking joking."_

Deidara and Tobi peeked out of the utility room to see Hidan staring at Leader in disbelief.

Leader and Konan were standing under the mistletoe.

"I don't joke."

"No, _Uchihas_ don't joke. But you are nothing _but_ one big fucking joke. I don't know why I ever agreed to join this fucked up organization…"

"Because I have a gift with persuasion. Anyway, my word is law. I'll have Konan add it to the rules list posted in the kitchen. Any two people caught under the mistletoe _have_ to kiss."

Hidan opened his mouth to speak, but Pein gave him a particularly sinister look. Hidan shut his trap.

"Good. Now, observe that Konan and I are both under the mistletoe."

Pein turned to Konan, and they shared a very chaste, very un-lemony, very unsatisfying (to PeinxKonan shippers anyway) kiss.

Hidan gagged. Tobi and Deidara gasped. Kisame whooped from the stairs. Kakuzu snored, as he had fallen asleep to the weather report.

"See? It's no big deal. A simple little kiss, that's all."

"But it's seriously against my religion!" Hidan moaned. The irritating voice woke Kakuzu up with a snort, and he stared around wildly.

"Everything is against your religion," Kakuzu barked automatically.

"Hey, fuck you, old timer! I am a high priest of Jashin! I am supposed to uphold…ah, _son of a bitch_! I can't believe it! He fell back asleep!"

Indeed, Kakuzu's chin was resting on his chest, a sound like a choking grizzly bear emitting from the vicinity of his mask.

"I agree with Hidan. I don't want to kiss anyone here, un!" Deidara said boldly, though he was sort of hiding behind Tobi as he said it.

"You _must_ kiss under the mistletoe. Or suffer my wrath."

* * *

The rest of the day was rather hectic, because no one wanted to be caught with someone else under the mistletoe, and since it was hanging above the doorway to the kitchen, as in, no way to escape it unless you wanted to starve, everyone had to travel with extreme caution. 

No one thought to leave through the front door and enter the kitchen through the side door, except for Zetsu. But he stayed outside mostly, and there wasn't anything edible in the kitchen for him…well, the other members were edible, but he wasn't allowed to eat them…so yeah.

Though Pein had made it a rule, he had looked extremely angry when Itachi happened to catch Konan under the mistletoe, and promptly gave her a peck on the lips.

Everyone thought there would be a showdown of Rinnegan versus Sharingan, but Itachi didn't even seem to be aware of his Leader's fury, and quietly sat down on the coffee table to channel surf on the TV for three hours.

After that, Pein and Konan retired to their office to….do paperwork (wink wink, nudge nudge). Konan pretended that Pein was Itachi, Pein pretended that Konan was Pein (come on, we all know that he's obsessed with himself) and all was well. They kept the noise down, in any case.

* * *

Deidara had made it to the kitchen by lunch time, and took as long as he possibly could eating his bowl of ramen, but sadly, it took less time to eat than it did to cook, so in two minutes, Deidara was devastatingly bored. And devoid of clay with which to entertain himself. 

And what, may I ask, is a bored Deidara without a means to blow shit up? It is a sad sight indeed.

Sasori burst into the kitchen and started looking for a spare can of Pledge he thought he'd hidden under the sink last week. He was in desperate need of a fix, and he had unwisely used up the entire can he'd gotten yesterday as a reward for the making the best snow angel.

The puppet was banned from buying his _own_ Pledge by Leader, and for some reason Sasori obeyed. No one else really listened when it came to what they were allowed to buy.

Even though he wasn't supposed to, Deidara snuck out to buy Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew whenever he got the chance. Sure, it was all going to his ass, but damn it, he was a big boy now! He could make his own food choices, even if they were bad ones.

Anyway, Deidara, who had stolen that stashed away can of Pledge so he could blow it up later tonight, decided to sneak out before Sasori could interrogate him. After all, there were only two people who would mess with Sasori's shit: Deidara and Hidan.

However, when Deidara got to the doorway, two things happened simultaneously: Sasori grabbed his wrist and Deidara collided into Kisame's chest.

Deidara blinked up at the shark man in horror. They were standing under the mistletoe. Kisame grinned down at the blonde. He hadn't gotten any action yet, and Deidara was as pretty as Konan.

Hell, from behind, he was _prettier_. Kisame preferred girls, but when you were a shark man, you took what you could get.

The missing Rock nin chose the lesser evil and twirled Sasori in front of him, knocking Kisame backwards, and locking lips with the puppet master.

Sasori blinked in shock, staring into Deidara's face. The blonde's eyes were squeezed shut, nose scrunched up, his hands biting into Sasori's arms.

It was perhaps the longest three seconds of Deidara's life. He pulled away first, opening his eyes and feeling his face burn.

Somewhere in the background, Kisame was whining.

"But I was there first!"

"Fucking _gay_, the whole lot of you," Hidan said.

"You know…it wasn't all that bad, un…" Deidara murmured, trying to act casual despite the fact that his heart felt like it wanted to burst through his rib cage.

Deidara stared at Sasori, who had lifted his fingers up to his lips, mouth slightly gaping, eyes wide.

Sasori looked up at Deidara (poor thing is the shortest member of Akatsuki) and frowned.

"I didn't feel anything."

Deidara blinked.

"Danna?"

"I _can't_ feel anything, and you know it!" Sasori cried, fleeing up the stairs.

"Someone needs a fucking Pledge fix," Hidan laughed.

Deidara stood there for a moment as if he'd been petrified.

"Good idea, un," Deidara said, springing into action. He ran over to the couch, flipping up the middle cushion and pulling out the hidden can of Pledge. He pointed a finger at Hidan.

"This doesn't make me gay, un," Deidara said and raced up the stairs to console his partner.

"Psh…that little son of a bitch is so gay that every time he enters a room, it redecorates _itself_."

Kisame was, frankly, ROFL, crying salt water.

* * *

When Deidara got to the bedroom he and Sasori shared, he knocked on the door. There was no answer, so Deidara let himself in. Leader had banned locks from the bedroom doors (except his own, of course), so Sasori couldn't lock Deidara out if he tried. 

"Um…Sasori no Danna, hm?" Deidara asked quietly, taking a few cautious steps forward.

Sasori wasn't anywhere in sight, but the closet door was closed. Deidara approached the door and knocked. Not many people knock before entering their closet, but when your partner is a puppet with a fetish for Pledge and dark enclosed spaces, you learn to knock on the damned closet door.

"Sasori no Danna?" Deidara asked again. He could hear shuffling inside the closet.

"Go away."

"I…I found your can of Pledge, un…."

The door creaked open and a wooden hand appeared. Deidara set the can in the waiting palm and it disappeared. The door slammed closed.

A smile crept across Deidara's face when he heard the distinct sound of an aerosol can spraying. There was a lot of spraying going on.

Deidara flopped on his bed and waited for Sasori to come out on his own. If he tried to force entry, he'd end up fighting the Kazekage, and he really wasn't in the mood.

* * *

Kisame decided to hang around by the mistletoe, waiting for someone to come by so he'd finally get a kiss. Someone other than Tobi, that is. Kisame'd already had to kiss that idiot seven times, and it was very unrewarding, because he didn't have to take his mask off. 

If Kisame wanted to kiss a piece of plastic, he'd break out his Tsunade blow up doll.

Hidan, who'd been watching TV since Itachi left to go read shark porn, got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen, but stopped at a safe distance to glare at the missing Mist nin.

"I am fucking hungry, and I don't want to have to chance catching an STD from a shark just to grab a god damned PB & J. Shove off, fish fuck, or I'll castrate you."

Kisame folded his arms.

"No."

"Hidan?" Kakuzu said from the couch, "will you make me a sandwich too? But make mine turkey and mustard on wheat bread. Peanut butter is bad for my cholesterol."

"I'm not your chef; make your own fucking sandwich!" Hidan yelled, simultaneously flipping the bird at the miser and the shark.

"Just one little kiss, and I'll leave you alone," Kisame said.

"Hell no. That little blonde fairy chose a chunk of wood over you. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

Kisame scowled.

"Hey, hurry your ass up. I'm hungry, and it doesn't look like anyone is cooking today."

Kakuzu detached an arm and shoved Hidan forward, right into Kisame's waiting arms.

"AAARGH!" Hidan screeched in terror, before his scream was cut off as the shark man's mouth clamped over his own.

When Kisame let Hidan go, he staggered into the kitchen, cursing.

"You fucking bit my lip, asshole!"

"You're welcome," Kisame said, wiping blood off of his mouth. Yep. There was a reason why he couldn't get laid.

Kakuzu wondered idly if it was time he invested in Viagra. That scene surely would have gotten his Johnson up when he was eighty.

* * *

Kisame, having gotten a kiss from at least one person other than Tobi, was satisfied, and went into the kitchen to make himself a tuna fish sandwich. 

"What's taking you so long in there?" Kakuzu growled from the couch. He was happily watching "I Love Lucy" and every once in a while he'd laugh at Lucy's silly antics.

Hidan fucking _hated_ that show, and Kakuzu knew it. So, that was why Hidan was taking so long.

The Jashin priest may not be a master at poisons or explosives or have the power to manipulate any elements, but it didn't take a ninja genius to slip laxative in Kakuzu's prune juice.

With a wicked smirk, Hidan put the glass of juice and the sandwich on a tray. This was going to be good.

* * *

Deidara had fallen asleep, dreaming that he was a puppet and Sasori was spraying him with Pledge, furiously rubbing the furniture polish in with what looked like Itachi's headband. 

He woke up with a start when someone shook him.

"Whassamatter?" Deidara mumbled. He cracked his eyes open to see Sasori standing over him.

"Sasori no Danna?" Deidara asked tentatively. Sasori smiled softly. And stuck a thermometer in Deidara's mouth.

"Mmph…?"

"I think you have a fever, you look awfully clammy. We need to figure out what kind of poison was in that tainted fruitcake of Oro's so I can make an antidote."

"Oh…un…" Deidara managed around the thermometer.

Nurse Sasori…who knew?

* * *

Kakuzu wolfed down his sandwich and laxative spiked prune juice, nodding appreciatelively at Chef Hidan. 

The two were sitting on the couch and watching "The Three Scrooges" now, another show Hidan loathed.

But his PB & J was superb, his moo cow fuck milk icy cold, his plan going along smoothly. He could sit through one horrible show without bitching. It was the least he could do for the old bastard.

And then right when Hidan was taking a nice big gulp of his milk, the most horrible thing Hidan had ever seen settled right at his eye level, right between him and Kakuzu.

It was a small white berried plant, attached to a string, which hung down from the top of a ridiculous striped top hat. A basketball head was wearing that hat, and he was perched behind the couch, giggling.

"Look what Konan and I made, Hidan-san! Kakuzu-san! Leader-sama calls it a fertility hat! Isn't it wonderful?"

"You…you fucking cock sucking, fairy whoring, heathen ball washing, one eyed sack of reindeer shit! How _dare_ you!"

Kakuzu arched an eyebrow. He didn't see that one coming. Boy, he was losing his touch.

"Well, I guess it could have been worse," Kakuzu said, patting his mouth with his napkin. He'd already had his mask down since he was eating, so that saved some time.

"I'm not fucking kissing you! I already got my lip sliced open by a fucking godless shark, I'm not going to chance getting your tainted saliva in my bloodstream!"

"Quit your bitching," Kakuzu growled and grabbed Hidan's face. The priest would not let this happen without a fight, but his struggling proved fruitless as Kakuzu quickly used his threads to bind him.

Hidan pressed his lips firmly together when Kakuzu's face got dangerously close. His nose brushed up against Hidan's cheek.

"This won't do," Kakuzu murmured when his lips met the unyielding line of Hidan's mouth.

The old man removed his right hand from Hidan's face and punched him in the gut. Hidan gasped, and Kakuzu used the opening to his advantage.

"Holy shit!" Kisame said, whistling as he walked in on Kakuzu and Hidan French kissing under Tobi's mistletoe hat.

Kakuzu let Hidan go and leapt off of the couch when Hidan tried to hit him.

"You fucking son of a whore! If I get Aids I'm going to rip off your head and shove it up Kisame's ass!"

Kakuzu would have responded, but his stomach beat him to it. His gut made a very nasty gurgling sound, and clutching his abdomen in agony, Kakuzu ran for the bathroom.

Hidan thanked Jashin-sama for giving him the wisdom to spike the gay old man's juice with laxative.

Kisame went back to staking out a spot by the mistletoe, hoping htat maybe when Kakuzu felt better, he'd give him a kiss like that too.

Hidan rolled his eyes, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

"Seriously, is everyone in this fucked up organization gay but me?"

* * *

**A/N2: Yeah…I think this story is gradually getting gayer. Sorry 'bout that. NOT. **


	9. Massacre at Happy Oats Reindeer Farm

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 9: Massacre at Happy Oats Reindeer Farm**

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* * *

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. I do, however, own Roberto, the resurrected bird that became king of the mother fucking sea gulls. **

**Summary: Tobi is sad because Itachi murdered his fertility hat. In order to appease the poor kid, Pein takes everyone to Happy Oats Reindeer Farm, where Santa Claus is supposed to make an appearance. One deer pisses Hidan off royally, however, and it all goes downhill from there. **

* * *

Under Nurse Sasori's care, Deidara was fully cured of the poison Orochimaru had put in his tainted fruitcake. However, the antidote that Sasori had given his partner seemed to have a strange side effect, and so, the missing Rock nin was prancing around the house singing Christmas carols. 

Tobi started following his senpai around, joining in his singing (much to everyone's horror). He was still wearing the fertility hat with the mistletoe dangling jauntily from it, and everyone fled before him as if he was a giant mosquito infected with AIDS.

If it weren't for the horrible, mind numbing singing, Kisame would have followed Tobi around to score some more kisses. But he instead decided to go outside and knock down neighborhood snowmen with his Samehada.

* * *

After being kissed twice the night before, once by a giant two legged fish and once by an old man stitched together with what looked like electrical tape, Hidan had shut himself up in his sacrificial chamber, and continuously thrust sharp and pointy things through every part of his body he could reach until he passed out from blood loss. 

When he'd regain consciousness, he'd impale himself some more until he passed out again. This tedious ritual was apparently on a loop.

* * *

After suffering through hours of Deidara and Tobi singing, Itachi showed some backbone and boldly went up to them. He tried to use his Sharingan to make Deidara stop, but the singing neutralized his Genjutsu, and in the end, Itachi got caught under the mistletoe hanging from Tobi's God forsaken hat and had to kiss the delusional blonde. 

"Aw…" Tobi said as the Uchiha and the blonde kissed. Itachi didn't find it cute at all because the antidote Deidara had taken made him drool like a Saint Bernard and it tasted horribly like Pledge.

Itachi glared at Tobi as he pushed Deidara away, and with one swipe of a kunai, he severed the string securing the troublesome mistletoe to the hat.

For good measure, Itachi lit the hat on fire, and Tobi ran about the living room, squealing like a stuck pig before Kakuzu opened the front door, pushing Tobi out of it.

The basketball head ran headfirst into Uchiha Hummer Mountain, and the fire was put out in the snow with a TSSSS.

Tobi clambered into his igloo and wept into his sexy green scarf.

"Well…I guess portable mistletoe was a bad idea," Pein said. Everyone murmured in agreement.

Itachi stalked away to vomit.

Deidara went back to singing Christmas carols until Kakuzu sewed his mouth shut and threw him in the storage closet.

* * *

In his sacrificial chamber, Hidan came to long enough to have dirty thoughts consisting of underwater sex with Frankenstein and stabbed himself in the eye with a spike, promptly passing out yet again.

* * *

"I know this is going to sound weird…but I feel bad for Tobi," Kisame said as he came back in the house, having trashed every snowman in a twelve mile radius. 

He set his Samehada down by the heat vent so it could thaw out.

When he turned around, everyone in the room was staring at him as if he'd just revealed that he's Suigetsu's mother.

"What?"

"You're feeling _sorry_ for him?" Konan asked in disbelief, dragging on her cigarette. Pein remained silent, sucking on a candy cane. Everyone was starting to suspect that there was crack imbedded in his candy, but no one was stupid enough to bring it up.

"Well…yeah. He's still crying. And talking to penguins that aren't there. And…he's sipping at make believe Vodka."

"…"

"Let's go see Santa Claus," Pein said suddenly around his candy cane.

"…"

"Where the hell did _that_ come from?" Kakuzu asked. Pein nearly smiled.

"I think a trip to Happy Oats Reindeer Farm will cheer Tobi up. And it'd be good to get out of the house. Get everyone together, Konan, I'll go warm up the van."

When Pein left, Kakuzu turned to Konan.

"_Is_ there crack in his candy canes?"

Konan blew smoke out of her nostrils.

"Isn't it obvious?"

She put her cigarette out in the clay ashtray Deidara made her for her birthday and went to get Itachi and Hidan.

Kakuzu shook his head and went to put his boots on.

* * *

Pein and Konan managed to get everyone in the van, even Hidan, who kept chancing nervous glances at Kakuzu for some reason. There was just one person left: Tobi. 

Pein crawled into Tobi's igloo and had a drink of make believe Vodka with the masked wonder.

"We're going to go see Santa Claus and his reindeer. Did you want to come?"

"Santa? REALLY? YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Tobi squealed, throwing himself at Pein and hugging him so hard that Pein's candy cane popped out of his mouth and shot through the igloo's thick walls with the force of a torpedo.

The rogue candy cane missile hit the Gumby mailbox, and then the candy melted into satanic sugar goo.

* * *

It seemed that everyone in Hidden Rain and its surrounding suburbs decided to go see Santa Claus at the Happy Oats Reindeer Farm at the same time, because the place was terribly crowded. Of course, since Christmas day was the day after tomorrow, it wasn't unexpected. 

Kisame kept close to Itachi as if the Uchiha would protect him from the hordes of misbehaved redneck children and rude old men that growled at you if you got in their way. He hated crowds, and under normal circumstances, he would just whip out his Samehada to clear a path, just so he could breathe.

But Leader had thought things through. Even under the influence of Candy Cane Crack, Pein had the sense to order everyone to leave all of their weapons in the van. He really didn't want to have to flee a crime scene again.

The reindeer farm was pretty much just a petting zoo that happened to have reindeer. Santa Claus hadn't arrived yet, though there was a stage set up, complete with a grand red throne fit for a king. A line a mile long wrapped around the stage, where frantic mothers and their hopelessly spoiled children waited impatiently.

Deidara wasn't singing Christmas carols anymore. Kakuzu had removed the stitches from his mouth, since it would look out of place in a public area.

In place of the singing, Deidara was having strange delusions and had the odd sensation that ants were crawling just under his skin.

Sasori kept spraying Deidara's hair with Pledge when the blonde wasn't looking, insisting that it would help relieve his symptoms.

Everyone else suspected that Sasori was actually spraying Deidara with Pledge because it turned the dirty little puppet on.

Whatever the reason, Pein turned back around and made Sasori put his Pledge can in the van's glove compartment. Spraying Pledge in public wasn't normal behavior for anyone, and it would draw unwanted attention to their Akatsuki cloak clad group.

* * *

After trying to keep the group together in the thick crowd proved impossible, Pein declared that everyone split into their two man teams. 

"Alright, everyone enjoy themselves, and be sure to meet back here in three hours, when Santa Claus is supposed to arrive. I'll save a spot in the line for us with a clone. Now have fun!"

Pein summoned a clone, who slipped in line behind a kid in a wheelchair that happened to look a lot like Naruto, except his head was the size of a watermelon.

* * *

Tobi immediately dragged Zetsu with him to feed the llamas. Every time Zetsu leaned in close to get a nibble of the llama's ear, Tobi smacked him and pulled him away with a giggle. 

"Silly Zetsu, llamas are for kids!"

"**Can I eat the kids, then?"**

"_Sh…Don't talk in front of him like that. Tobi is a good boy."_

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan were pretty much just wandering through the crowd aimlessly, not stopping to look at any animals. The crowd gave Kakuzu a wide berth, which didn't bother the old man in the slightest. 

He simply walked down the frozen dirt path, lost to his own thoughts as Hidan ranted and raved about how sick in the head Kakuzu and Kisame were or some shit.

"If you stick that creepy ass tentacle tongue down my throat ever again, I'm going to cut off your limbs, strap you to a wheelchair and roll you over to your bank, where I will force you to watch as I empty your account and feed your hard earned money to Zetsu…_one fucking dollar bill at a time_…"

Kakuzu wasn't listening at all. Instead, he was wondering if he could get Hidan alone somewhere. So he could kill him. Not kiss him. Though now that the old man thought about it, that wasn't a bad idea either…if only the priest would quit with his homophobic nonsense and come out of the closet already.

* * *

Itachi was staring curiously at a black goat that stood a ways by itself. Kisame was throwing feed at the more friendly goats, chuckling as the goats nibbled on the sleeve of his cloak. 

"These flea bitten things are kinda cute, no?" the shark man said, beaming fondly at the goats.

"Itachi-san?"

Kisame looked up to see Itachi staring at the lone goat.

"Ah…does he remind you of yourself?"

Itachi said nothing. He continued to be quiet and moody, like only an Uchiha can be.

* * *

Konan hated kids and crowds, and soon fled to the ladies' room to sit in a stall and smoke. 

Pein was left alone to twiddle his thumbs and suck on a candy cane. He sat down on a bale of hay, and a little kid came up to him.

"Hey, can I have a candy cane?" the kid asked. Pein's eyebrows flew into his hairline.

"Um…well…you see…"

"Oh, come on! I can see a whole bag of them under your cloak!" the kid whined.

"Shit…alright, just be quiet."

Pein gave one kid some Candy Cane Crack, and before he knew it, he had become the Sugar Daddy of Happy Oats Reindeer Farm.

* * *

"Ooh, look at the pony, Sasori no Danna! Isn't it cute, hmm?" 

"That's a dog, Deidara."

"Oh…"

"Hey, look, Danna! It's Santa Claus, un!"

Sasori sighed and slapped a hand to his head.

"That's just the enormous backside of an old lady in front of us."

"Oh…"

"Hey, look…mmph!"

Sasori had ceased Deidara's delusional antics with a mouthful of dirty snow.

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan had finally settled on throwing feed at the reindeer. Hidan started bitching at the one reindeer that wouldn't come over to the fence. 

"Hey, you stupid little fuck! You think you're too good for me? Huh? I happen to know for a fact that I'm going to live forever…but you're just going to end up as Saint Dip Shit's dinner when this holiday season's over. You know that, ass wipe?"

People started leaving the area, totally outraged by Hidan's foul mouth. Kakuzu sighed.

"Do you have to find something wrong with _everything?_" Kakuzu growled.

Hidan threw another handful of feed at the deer and glared at his partner.

"Do you have to find something wrong with everything I _do_?" Hidan retorted.

Hidan had a point. Kakuzu glared at the deer happily munching up the ground corn.

"Hey, he's coming over here!" Hidan said. Sure enough, the lone deer was trotting over to the Akatsuki pair. When it got close, the other deer moved out of its way.

It looked straight into Hidan's face, dark brown eyes shining innocently…and then it sneezed, spraying bits of green mucus all over the priest's face. And since he'd been grinning at the time, it got on his teeth too.

"URGH! You flea bitten, Santa humping little fuck! That's it!" Hidan howled, and Kakuzu watched blankly as Hidan leapt on the reindeer's back, ripped its antlers right out of its head and stabbed the animal repeatedly.

Before Kakuzu could really understand what was happening, Hidan was slaying reindeer left and right, howling like a rabid wolf.

* * *

The dark side of Zetsu finally prevailed, and melted into the ground only to come up a second later in the middle of the llama pen, where he began to feed mercilessly. 

Tobi crouched in a fetal position and wept for his fallen friends. Zetsu had most likely scarred him for life.

* * *

When Konan finally finished her entire pack of cigarettes, she went back outside to find Pein being loaded into the back of a cop car. Apparently he'd been caught selling crack laced candy canes to children. 

"Oh, fuck…" Konan said and bombarded the cops with paper cut bitch slaps in order to rescue her comrade.

* * *

"Why, Itachi…why?" Kisame cried in anguish, standing at a safe distance from a burning field. Piles of charred bones that used to be cute animals were scattered here and there. 

There was a sole survivor, however. The lone black goat took one look at Itachi, and fled the area, heading towards the open road.

"Run away, little Sasuke…"

Itachi smiled. Kisame, totally freaked out, gripped his cross and prayed for his soul.

* * *

Sasori and Deidara met up with Itachi and Kisame. For some reason, there was a sea gull with pink eyes perched on top of Deidara's head. 

Kisame looked to the artists in utter confusion.

"Why is there a sea gull on top of your head?"

The bird pooped on Deidara's messed up hair. The missing Rock nin looked up at the bird and grinned.

"This is my son Roberto. We adopted him."

Sasori pointed at the Uchiha, who was shaking with villainous laughter.

"Why is Itachi cackling like Orochimaru?" Sasori asked. Kisame's little eyes widened with fear.

"I think he's snapped," Kisame whispered.

* * *

The black goat Itachi had dubbed "Sasuke" made it to the open road….and was run over by a reindeer. That reindeer happened to be pulling a shiny red sled that held a giant fat man in it. 

Yes, children, it was Santa Claus, and he snapped his reigns at the deer, the bells on his sleigh jingling merrily.

When Santa pulled up into the farm, however, he stopped the sleigh and got out, looking around in surprise. No one was around. A woman made out of paper had scared everyone away when she killed the cops. But Santa didn't know that.

"Holy shit…it's the Akatsuki!"

Indeed, all of the Akatsuki were approaching. Most of them were splattered with blood. Overall, it was a very terrifying image.

Santa Claus, who was really Jiraiya in disguise, leapt back into his sleigh and turned around, getting the hell out of there.

There was a moment of silence, in which everyone looked quizzically at each other.

"I think we should go home now," Pein said, and everyone quickly got to the van.

* * *

**A/N: Look, it's the sea gull that Itachi killed in chapter 4! Yay! The line Deidara says ("This is my son Roberto. We adopted him…") comes from Jim Gaffigan when he's doing Saturn comercial bloopers. It's on Youtube, and I found it hilarious. **

**Next chapter will contain a little more romance. As in Yaoi. Not sure if it'll be much of a lemon yet…it depends on how the characters act, and how brave I feel when I write it. I may just keep anything overly graphic out completely, and maybe post the dirty version somewhere else. **

**But come on, everyone gets DRUNK! Aren't you excited? I am…I've been looking forward to drunk Akatsuki forever! **


	10. Drunk Akatsuki!

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 10: Drunk Akatsuki!**

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: Why isn't booze allowed at the Lair anymore? Because no one in Akatsuki can hold their liquor. Without going totally insane. **

**Warning: RATED M FOR GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SWEARING, NON GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT AND BABY JESUS ABUSE. **

**There is no graphic YAOI, nothing any worse than chapter 8 (Fighting Under the Mistletoe) so don't worry, my non Yaoi loving fans! Any sexual content in this story is for laughs, not…other things. **

**A/N: If you want a slice of Lemon in your Crack Fic tea, go read "The Lost Lemons of Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas." I'm going to post it when I post the last chapter (chapter 12) of this story. And it's going to be a three chapter story. Chapter one is puppet sex, chapter 2 is zombie sex, and chapter 3 is…water aerobics. Yeah. **

* * *

On Christmas Eve, Kakuzu broke out the booze, and everyone sat around in the living room, sipping at wine or guzzling down beer.

Pein had announced that everyone would get to open one present tonight. He was dressed up as Santa Claus while Konan, of course, was dressed as a very scantily clad Mrs. Claus.

Kisame stared at Konan's cleavage the entire time they were in the living room, sipping absentmindedly at his Budweiser, totally unaware of what was going on around him.

When Konan walked up to him and gave him a small box topped with a cute gold bow, drool slid down his chin and plopped onto his lap.

"Hey, un! Are you going to open that?" a voice that clearly wasn't female said.

Konan and her jiggling cleavage turned away from the shark, and he snapped out of it.

"What?"

"Leader's letting us open up one present, un," Deidara said. He had already unwrapped his present, which was a package of scrunchies in pastel colors from Tobi, and was sitting back, letting the basketball head braid his hair.

"Oh…" Kisame said, tearing the paper from his own present with his teeth. It was a pearly white box. Kisame opened the lid to find a tiny cross on a gold chain.

It was actually rather nice. He looked for the one who had given it to him, as in the only one with a decent pair of knockers and found her sitting in Pein's lap. She was holding up a black gauzy thing and blushing while Pein kissed her on the cheek.

"Ooh, what a pretty shirt!" Tobi said to Konan, too dumb to realize that it was lingerie.

Itachi was sitting on the floor right in front of the TV, watching "A Christmas Story" and nibbling on a caramel from a box of assorted chocolates. An empty glass of wine was set beside the box.

Kakuzu and Hidan were sitting on the love seat, arguing. There were already twelve empty beer bottles on the coffee table in front of them, more than half of them belonging to the old man. (Yes, Kakuzu is a full blown alcoholic. But don't blame him. Hidan drives him to it.)

"You fucking _know_ I can sew, why give me a book to teach me how to do it?"

Kakuzu was gesturing to a yellow book titled "Sewing for Dummies."

"Please, you don't even use real thread! You use creepy tentacle things that come out of your ass, or something! And your stitching is sloppy!"

"They're not tentacles. I like to call them _threads_, and they're extensions of my muscles, jackass."

"I don't give a fuck what they are, they're freaky as hell! Read the God damned book, learn some better stitching, and then I'll let you cut my fucking head off and practice sewing it back on! Seriously!"

Kakuzu's eyes widened, his uncovered mouth gaping slightly in surprise.

"…you'd really let me practice on you?"

"Uh…wait…fucking booze has gone to my head! Forget I said that!"

Kakuzu had a vicious glint to his green eyes…

* * *

Within an hour, everyone was pretty fucked up. Of course, it really doesn't take much to get them drunk. Even Kakuzu can't really hold his liquor that well. And he has _decades_ of practice.

Sasori, who couldn't drink or get intoxicated from alcohol, crept over to the tree, where he could smell the faint lemony aroma of the one thing that _could_ get him drunk.

Pledge had a strange power over all puppets, and Akasuna no Sasori was no exception.

He found the box he was looking for, tore it open, and nearly wept with glee. It was from Deidara, and it was a package of those new Pledge wipes!

Sasori looked at his blonde partner, who was so drunk by now he'd turned on the radio and started stripping to Madonna, and ran over to him and hugged him.

"Oh, thank you so much, Deidara!" Sasori squealed, the only real part of his body, his heart, swelling.

"Like a virgin…_Hey_! Touched for the very _first_ time…" Deidara sang (rather badly), and grabbed the Pledge wipes from the puppet, plucked a single wipe from the box, and used it to shine up his left nipple.

Sasori gaped in shock. Pledge could elicit all sorts of physical sensations for the puppet. And one of those…sensations…happened to be sexual.

In a fit of Pledge induced arousal, Sasori grabbed Deidara by his French braided hair (Tobi's handiwork) and dragged him upstairs.

Everyone cheered as they went.

Well, Konan wasn't cheering. She was busy getting her lips chewed off by Kisame.

And where the hell had Pein gone? Apparently Sir Leader had wandered off into the attic with a few cases of beer so he could get his other five bodies drunk too.

So I guess that means that Kakuzu, Hidan and Itachi were the ones cheering. Oh…except that Itachi disappeared to go pick a fight with Zetsu. So it was just the zombie brothers cheering.

But they had gone off somewhere too. A trail of blood starting at the love seat and disappearing up the stairs suggested that Kakuzu had taken Hidan up on his offer to sever his head and practice stitching it back on.

So who was cheering? Tobi, of course! We'd forgotten all about him! (Well, _I_ did anyway.)

* * *

Meanwhile, Itachi had found Zetsu in the kitchen eating a lone Christmas caroler he'd found wandering about the backyard for some reason.

Words were exchanged, and soon, Itachi, fueled by the one glass of wine he'd had (Itachi isn't supposed to drink for a reason), was seriously pissed.

"Hey, two-face, you got a problem?" Itachi asked, pushing Zetsu in the shoulder aggressively.

It would have been threatening except for the fact that Itachi's eyes were crossed and he was wobbling dangerously on his feet.

"**Is this guy serious?"**

"_No…he's just drunk…little boy can't hold his liquor…"_

"Who you callin' little boy, Seymour?"

Itachi swung a fist at Zetsu, but the plant man dodged and Itachi just ended up tripping over his own feet and bashing his head into the microwave.

When Itachi staggered to his feet, his eyes were no longer crossed. Instead, they were staring in opposite directions.

"How dare you insult the Uchiha clan!" Itachi slurred, and head butted Zetsu in the gut.

Zetsu kicked the drunkard away, and Itachi fell backwards into the garbage can. A banana peel flopped on top of his head, his eyes crossed again, and he blacked out.

"**Can I eat him for dessert?"** Blackey said, smacking his lips.

"_No…he's too evil…he'll upset our stomach_," Whitey replied.

* * *

After enjoying his Pledge wipes for a while (with a certain Blonde), Sasori crept back downstairs to see if he could find _more_ Pledge…

* * *

Upstairs, there were voices coming from Hidan and Kakuzu's room.

"Hey, Kakuzu?"

"Yeah?"

Kakuzu, who'd reached the door, paused with his hand on the doorknob. He turned his head just enough to see Hidan's detached head sitting on his bed (which was really messed up for several reasons, all of them naughty) and grinned.

Hidan's face contorted into rage. If his body was able to, it'd be flicking his partner off right now. But alas, his body was currently in the bathtub, freshly washed from…sewing lessons…

"You're an asshole."

Kakuzu faced the door and opened it.

"I know."

The old man left his decapitated partner in the bedroom to contemplate whether or not he could roll off the bed without suffering a concussion.

* * *

"I love you guys…I really do…" Pein, as in, Pein the Leader, said to his other five bodies, sloshing beer all over himself as he gestured with his bottle.

"Hey, where'd fatty go?" Ponytail Pein asked, clearly not listening to Pein the Leader's mindless rambling.

Indeed, the fattest, ugliest Pein had gone missing.

"And pretty boy's gone too!" the other big Pein with the spiked hat said. Indeed, the Pein with the long flowing hair, dubbed "Pretty Boy" by the other Peins, was nowhere to be seen.

That's because they had crept downstairs to torture Tobi's stuffed animals.

* * *

Kakuzu stumbled down the stairs in search of more booze. He paid no heed to Kisame and Konan making out on the couch, nor did he notice Itachi passed out on the kitchen floor.

The old man opened up the refrigerator, and his eyes widened in shock. The fridge was completely devoid of beer.

The missing Falls nin sucked in enough air to make his chest swell up, and then he let out a terrible scream.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" He roared, and Kisame detached himself from Konan and leapt up in surprise, thinking that the neighbors had finally worked up enough courage to call the cops, and they were in the midst of a raid.

Kisame ran into the kitchen, wielding his Samehada…to find Kakuzu sitting on the floor, the refrigerator door wide open.

"Why is the beer gone?" Kakuzu whimpered. Kisame rolled his eyes.

"Because you drank it all, dumb ass."

Kakuzu gripped his hair and started rocking back and forth, back and forth. Then the old man suddenly lunged forward, knocked his head hard into the petrified turkey left over from Thanksgiving, and then fell backwards onto the linoleum.

Konan walked in to fetch her pack of cigarettes. She looked to the whimpering man on the floor, and then to Kisame.

"What the hell's his problem?"

"The beer's gone," Kisame answered with a shrug. Konan's eyes popped out of her head.

"What?! Why is the beer gone?"

Kisame sighed.

"Come on…let's go get some more, then."

"More?" Kakuzu echoed hopefully, getting to his feet. He had a nasty knot forming on his forehead, right between the eyes, and it really didn't improve his already otherworldly appearance.

"Er…yeah…" Kisame said slowly, who was convinced that at this moment, even _he_ looked more attractive than the old man.

"Can I drive?" Kakuzu asked, who had roughly two hundred DUI's under his belt.

Kisame pondered this for a moment.

Konan, who was now puffing away at her cigarette as if she was trying to remove every ounce of fresh air from her body, raised a hairless eyebrow ridge.

Kisame fished the van's keys out of his pocket and set them in his (much drunker) companion's palm.

"Sure you can drive. Just don't hit anything."

Ah…the stupidity of a drunken shark…

* * *

The closest liquor store, Baby Boozer, was only half a mile away from the Akatsuki house.

But in that short distance, Kakuzu managed to hit twelve cats, six chickens, four Christmas carolers (you'll never think of caroling the same again), three dogs, two fire hydrants (not a good thing in the winter, let me tell you) and one friendly neighborhood bum deemed Mr. BJ (I wonder what that could stand for…?).

But honestly, that wasn't all Kakuzu's fault.

During the ride, Konan had transformed into her ultimate drunk form: impossible bitch. She started kicking at everything within reach, and Kisame had to restrain her because high heels crushing into the back of your head is NOT good times.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, FISH FUCK!" Konan screeched, her pupils so dilated it made her eyes look as black as the pits of hell. Kisame was convinced that they really WERE the pits of hell.

And seeing as Kisame's partner was Itachi, that was really saying something.

"Stop…struggling…woman!" Kisame growled, trying to get Konan's seat belt on without getting hit in the face with a paper cut bitch slap.

Paper started fluttering all over the place, preventing Kakuzu from seeing what he was doing. The old man drove up the curb and plowed right through the Nativity scene on display in front of Kisame's church (Sannin Baptist Church).

Baby Jesus got hooked onto the grill by the crack of his ass, where he remained until Valentine's Day.

Kakuzu managed to only take up three parking spaces when they finally got to the store.

Kisame tried to keep Konan in the van, but she wouldn't have it.

"What the hell is your problem? Just stay in the God damned van!"

"HEEELP! This beached whale is trying to rape me! HEEELP!" Konan yelled at the top of her lungs, malevolent paper planes swooping all over Kisame.

"Kakuzu, a little help, please?"

"_OOOOH yeah_…" Kakuzu sighed, peeing in a nearby garbage can. Kisame shook his head.

"This is worse than the time I had to take Itachi to the dentist…"

"HEEEELP!" Konan screamed again, managing to flatten herself and squeeze through the cracked window of the van.

Kisame grabbed at Konan, trying to get her back in the van. Paper cut bitch slaps sliced severely at the shark man's skin, and finally Kisame just gave up.

The shark pushed Konan away, but she still was carrying on as if he had her pinned on the cement.

"RAPE RAPE RAPE!"

"Ow…_son of a bitch_!" Kisame howled as a rogue paper sea gull shot a pointy splash of paper poo at him, poking him right in the eye.

PSSSSSSSSS! (That's the sound of Kakuzu still pissing in the garbage can.)

"I don't know if I should bother getting the booze. Maybe we should just call it a night and walk back home, eh?"

Kakuzu was so shocked that he stopped his seemingly endless stream to stare in utter shock at Kisame. Konan shut the fuck up, staring in the same manner.

"Er…or not…"

Kisame jogged off into the store, praying to God that when he got back, those two would have disappeared, having driven the van over the bridge and into the river, where they would drown and never bother Kisame again.

* * *

When Kisame exited the store, he cursed God and walked over to the van. Kakuzu and Konan were both very much alive and looking expectantly at the shark nin. Kisame sighed.

"Well, they were all out of Budweiser."

Kakuzu picked up the pee filled garbage can, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and hurling it at a nearby Cadillac Escalade, denting the hood in the process.

Kakuzu stared at Kisame in blind confusion, and Kisame patted the case of beer he was holding.

"So I got you a case of Bud Light instead."

Kakuzu picked up another garbage can, yelling "YEEEEEEEEES!" and hurled it at the same Cadillac Escalade, succeeding in deepening the dent in the hood.

Kisame looked around nervously for any signs of an angry car owner, then slipped into the passenger seat while Kakuzu put it in drive and squealed the tires as they got the hell out of there.

Konan resumed kicking Kisame in the back of the head. She broke the heel of her shoe on his skull, but it really didn't help poor Kisame much.

"Can't you sit behind Kakuzu and fucking knock the back of _his_ head instead?"

"Don't tell me what to do, you fucking salt water _freak_!"

Konan stuck her head out the window and bawled at the top of her lungs.

"HEEELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EVIL FISH STICK, HEEELP! THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE ME SELL MY BODY FOR PLEDGE WIPES!"

"Get your head back inside the van!" Kisame yelled, hanging over the back of his seat and trying to pull Konan back in by her collar.

Out of the blue, the van came to a screeching halt, throwing Kisame into the windshield. He collapsed back into his seat and blood seeped out of his mouth, as the forceful jerk had made him bite his tongue.

Konan had nearly snapped her neck as her face collided with Kisame's seat, and crumpled onto the floor.

Kakuzu was breathing heavily, gripping the steering wheel so hard it was starting to splinter.

Kisame was suddenly very, very afraid.

"Um…Kakuzu? You okay?"

"What…the fuck…did that bitch…just call me?" Kakuzu growled severely. Kisame gulped.

"She…she called you uh…Frank…Frankincense. You know, frankincense and myrrh, from the Bible, right?"

"Are you sure…she didn't…call me something else?" Kakuzu inquired. Kisame wiped at the blood dribbling down his chin.

"I'm sure I heard frankincense. Just…just take us back home…we can have a beer and chill out, alright?"

"Beer is good," Kakuzu stated seriously, nodding his head. Kisame laughed nervously.

The shark nin planned on requesting that beer be added to the Junk Food Ban when and if they got back to the house.

* * *

Deidara had woken up from his…nap…at some point, took a shower, and went back downstairs in the hopes of waiting up for Santa.

However, as soon as Kakuzu, loaded up with another round of booze, noticed the blonde curled up in his favorite blanket on the couch, he sat down at Deidara's feet and started telling stories. Like all drunk old men do.

"When I was your age…hic…I wasn't sittin' around playin' with dolls or blowin' shit up…or whateverthefuck ya do…burp…'scuse me. I was…I was fightin' on the front lines. I fought the Shodaime Hokage once…you know that? Shit head never knew what hit 'im…hic…"

Deidara rolled his eyes.

"Yeah…I'll believe you fought the Shodaime Hokage when pigs fly, un."

A stuffed animal in the likeness of Pumba from the Lion King sailed in a graceful arc over Deidara's head.

It landed in Zetsu's gaping mouth (he was waiting up for Santa too), where it would never be seen again.

"PUMBA, NOOOOO!" Tobi cried in dismay as one of the Peins cackled with glee.

* * *

When Kakuzu staggered into the kitchen to get himself another Bud Light, he found Sasori sitting at the kitchen table, absentmindedly rubbing his last Pledge wipe along his cheek.

And so, another victim was forced to listen to the nonsense of an intoxicated old fart…

"Whatcha gotta do is…hic…ya gotta get yourself a good job. Get out of this dead end ninja shit and get a fucking career, man. Be your own boss. Set your own hours. Hell, you know what? You should get your own business selling your giant Barbies…"

"They're not _Barbies_…they're puppets. Combat puppets."

"Yeah yeah yeah, fighting chunks of wood with creepy faces is all good…but the world revolves around two things (Kakuzu held up three fingers in Sasori's face, eyes crossed, head bobbing): _Sex and Money_. It's all about sex and money. I like sex and money. You like sex and money…"

"Well, actually, I don't really care much for mo—"

"EVERYBODY likes sex and money, " Kakuzu went on, talking over the puppet.

"So that's why you should make sex dolls. And sell them. For money. Hell, give me a discount, I'll buy one. Make it look like Hidan's mother ha ha!"

Kakuzu slapped his leg and then lost his balance, falling over right when a scythe went flying, shredding the wooden chair Kakuzu had been sitting in seconds before into little splinters.

Hidan's severed head had a length of rope clamped tightly in its teeth, and it managed to hop across the room, set on murdering the old bastard that had dared to decapitate him.

Sasori stepped carefully over the head, yelping as Hidan snapped at his ankles, and ran off to hide in his closet with his last remaining Pledge wipe. He'd had enough fun to last him a lifetime…

* * *

Kisame ended up sleeping in the Jacuzzi bathtub in Pein and Konan's private bathroom.

It isn't clear how he got there, or why there was an empty bucket of KFC floating in the water with him, but it could have something to do with a chain smoking kunoichi passed out on the (closed) toilet seat.

* * *

When Santa Claus (Jiraiya) snuck into the house through the chimney by performing a 'belly suck in no jutsu,' he had his leg ripped off by a Venus fly trap man with a dual personality.

Deidara jumped up and squealed with delight at seeing Santa, but Jiraiya ran off before the blonde could offer him a plate of exploding ginger snaps and a glass of warm moo cow fuck milk.

* * *

And that, dear children, is why the Akatsuki aren't allowed to drink alcohol at the Lair anymore.

* * *

**A/N2: Yeah…having Santa Claus come really doesn't make sense since the presents were already laid out under the tree since like chapter four of this story. **

**But oh well. It's Crack, just go with it. If you worry about every little detail…every little fucking inconsistency, you'll go stone cold fuck nuts. And end up in the loony bin, sitting next to someone who's crocheting something that isn't really there. Like me!**

**--------------------------**

**I originally wanted nearly every member to be a different "kind" of drunk. Okay, it didn't quite work out that way, but here's how everything went down: **

**Kakuzu: The old drunk that tells crazy stories and/ or gives you advice. Don't take advice from drunk people. When you're drunk, your mind is not even functioning. Which…I guess means that the Satanic Gumby mailbox is talking through you instead. **

**Hidan: He was supposed to be the lovable drunk, but I discovered that I am incapable of writing a lovable, happy Hidan. I just can't fucking do it. Sorry. And there's no way in hell I'd make him happy while he's **_**decapitated.**_

**Pein: Yeah, Sir Leader ended up being somewhat lovable, but he wasn't really in this chapter much. **

**Konan: first she was a skank (much like Deidara) then she turned into a bitch. The kind of bitch you see on Cops!, swearing loudly and kicking the crap out of the poor guy. And then Konan switched back to a skank. **

**Deidara: Whore. Yes, Dei Dei was stripping to Madonna, and he got a little puppet Pledging action that night for his trouble. **

**Itachi: OMG I should have done more with Itachi, I apologize! I just ran out of ideas, really. Itachi is the drunk that picks fights. And he chose Zetsu to pick a fight with. Not a smart move. Can you imagine Itachi cross-eyed?**

**Tobi: Um…Tobi was a good boy this time around. I feel bad for his Pumba. NOT. **

**Zetsu: He was supposed to get drunk and fight himself, but I made him be a good boy too and simply eat a Christmas caroler. For the good of mankind. **

**Kisame: He was supposed to be the depressed, angsty drunk that either tries to kill himself or break his own things. But he ended up being rather sober minded, actually. Of course, since he let Kakuzu drive, I guess that's debatable…but sleeping in a bathtub is really pretty normal for him. **

**Sasori: The puppet was definitely drunk, just not on booze. I guess Pledge wipes are a little more…intoxicating than regular Pledge spray, because that puppet got some action that night, I tell you what! **

**--------------**


	11. Mary Fudging Chrissy Mix

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 11: Mary Fudging Chrissy Mix**

**(Hidan translation: Merry Fucking Christmas) **

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: It's finally Christmas Day! And you know what that means: opening presents! Yay! Featuring Chia pet children, indecent usage of Pledge (of course!) and exploding Furbies. **

* * *

"Ah…sunglasses…" Itachi droned to Tim Allen on the TV screen. He was sitting in an ocean of torn wrapping paper, his eyes glued to the featured holiday movie ("The Santa Clause") while Kisame, Itachi's bitch, did all the Christmas present opening for him. 

"But these are _designer_ sunglasses, Itachi-san! I thought they would hel—"

"Stop yelling, Kisame…"

Kisame, who most definitely was not yelling, smirked as Itachi gripped the sides of his head.

"Are you telling me that the infamous Uchiha Itachi is hung over from drinking one glass of wine?"

Itachi looked back at Kisame with an icy glare.

Kisame quickly returned to his unwrapping job. The sooner he finished up with Itachi's presents, the sooner he could get to his own.

"Ooh, another Barbie!" Sasori squealed in the corner, beaming at his Kunoichi Barbie, Konoha edition. She had long pink hair and a rather large forehead, as well as the generic exaggerated hourglass figure of all other Barbie dolls.

He set the pink haired Barbie next to his Kunoichi Barbie, Hidden Sand edition and an antique porcelain doll he'd gotten from Itachi.

Hidan was on the love seat next to Kakuzu, eyes narrowed at the garbage laid before him.

"You know what? This fucking holiday can kiss my ass. I don't need any of this shit. Seriously, Deidara, you smarmy little whore, why the hell did you give me a travel guide to fucking _Virginia_?"

Deidara snorted into his morning bottle of Bud Light. Yeah…he thought that having a little 'hair of the dog' would cure his hang over. NOPE.

"Well…you like to sacrifice virgins, right? Tobi said there must be a lot of virgins there, un."

Hidan threw his Chia pet at Deidara, who ducked. It smacked Zetsu in the head instead.

But the plant man was unresponsive. The Christmas caroler he'd eaten last night hadn't agreed with him, and he spent most of that morning dozing and taking trips outside to do his business.

"And what the hell is this shit with all the mother fucking _sweaters_, huh, Kakuzu?"

The silver haired priest unwrapped another package, and rolled his eyes up at the yellowed ceiling.

"Oh, _hell_ no, fish fuck, oh HELL no you did NOT buy me _Just for Men_!"

Kisame looked up from the last of Itachi's presents, a Nintendo DS, with a grin.

"Foolish little brother…" Itachi suddenly said.

Kisame turned his attention back to his partner and flinched when Itachi reached around his ass to grab the black Furby the shark nin had tried to hide.

"Sasuke…" Itachi whispered, petting the Furby's head with a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Hey…it _does_ look like the little squirt, un," Deidara said. Indeed, the black Furby had the characteristic hairdo of the mini Uchiha.

"Tobi…_what the hell were you thinking_?!" Kisame hissed angrily at the masked idiot who had given Itachi the cursed thing.

Tobi was busily popping little marbles from the Chinese checkers game he'd gotten from Sasori into his eyehole.

"Huh?"

Kisame watched Tobi swallow hard and rub his belly.

"These gumballs aren't very good, Sasori-san…"

Sasori wasn't listening. He was too busy having an orgasm from opening the box of a ten pack of Pledge he'd gotten from Kakuzu.

"What have you been doing all this time?" Itachi continued, now talking to a Barbie that had its hair styled in the likeness of his little brother as well. Kisame climbed over to Itachi and put the sunglasses on him, hoping it would blind him.

"Your hatred…it isn't enough…how are you to avenge the clan with _that_ attitude…?"

"Sorry, Itachi-san…but I have to do this."

Kisame grabbed the Furby and struck Itachi hard on top of the head with it. Itachi went down, disappearing in the mess of wrapping paper.

"Un…._UN_….HMMMM!" Deidara squealed in ecstasy, picking up a small RCA television and dancing around the room with it.

"Oh my God, a TV! My own TV! I can watch "General Hospital" and "Whose Line is it Anyway" and "America's Next Top Model" and even…even….hell, anything I want, un!"

"Glad you like it," Pein said from a podium he'd set up next to the living room TV. Apparently, the podium had been a gift from Itachi.

Another Pein, the one with the ponytail, was crouched over by the coffee table with a camcorder.

For some reason he kept zooming in on Deidara's ass as he jumped around. When Konan got up and started dancing, however, he zoomed in on her bouncing boobies instead (she was still wearing the skimpy Mrs. Claus outfit from yesterday).

"Oh, Itachi, this shampoo is wonderful!"

"…" Itachi said, which wasn't anything at all, since he was still knocked out from being hit over the head with a Furby.

"Alright…who the hell gave us all used Chia pets?" Kakuzu grumbled, holding his own Chia Hippo up to his face and glaring at it. There were already green grassy shoots jutting out of every crevasse of its hide.

"Zetsu did, un," Deidara said, who was hugging his TV and licking it (with three mouths, un!).

"Tobi told me he used his own seeds and everything, hm. See the little fly trap things already growing?"

Kakuzu, horrified, dropped his Chia pet on the floor. It fell there with a thick THUD, and Zetsu woke up with a start.

"Tobi did it…" Zetsu stammered, opening up his fly trap. He blinked around the room, and when he saw everyone with Chia pets near them, he nodded and smiled.

"_Chia pets are good boys, yes…Oh __**God**__ yes_."

Kakuzu looked over at Zetsu, then his Chia Hippo, then over to Deidara.

"Are you telling me that…that Zetsu…used his OWN seeds…as in…"

"Semen, un. I made Tobi open mine, thank God, hm!"

Kakuzu used one of Pein's candy canes to push his Chia Hippo over to Hidan's pile of presents.

Hidan was beside himself with utter, mind boggling fury.

"What in Jashin's name is _wrong_ with all of you? Spermy Chia pets…hair dye…shampoo…faggoty, itchy as hell sweaters…fucking _coupons_? And what the fuck is with these eye drops, driftwood? Why the hell did you give me eye drops for _Christmas_?!"

Sasori, who'd been spraying Pledge down his pants, finally acknowledged everyone else in the room.

"It's for your chronic pink eye…"

"Chronic fucking pink eye?! _Are you serious_?"

Sasori smiled and nodded.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself sideways with a telephone pole, huh? How 'bout that, you fucking fire hazard?"

"He doesn't have anywhere to put a pole, un," Deidara said. He smacked Sasori away when he tried to spray Pledge on his new TV's screen.

Hidan blinked.

"…I don't have any use for unnecessary holes," Sasori said vaguely.

"You're a fucking puppet. Of course you have a gaping hole in your ass, so old dudes can shove their hand up there and make you crack corny jokes."

"I'm not a _fucking_ puppet. I'm a _combat_ puppet," Sasori corrected (if you've read the lemon, you might think different XD).

"He's got you there, pink eye," Kakuzu said while scratching at a lottery ticket. He'd gotten a shit load of them, and frankly, Kakuzu loved them.

"I don't know…I heard funny noises last night from Deidara-senpai and Sasori-san's room," Tobi said wisely as he sped by on a scooter Itachi had foolishly bought for him.

Deidara flushed.

"You were probably just hearing the voices in your head again, un!"

"Hey, look what I can do!" Tobi yelled excitedly, his thoughts already wandering elsewhere. Everyone watched, because really, the idiot was bound to do something stupid.

Tobi tried to do a trick on his scooter, but all he ended up doing was wobbling pathetically and falling sideways into the Christmas tree.

The tree crashed on top of Zetsu, who was suddenly stricken with stomach cramps, rendered helpless.

"Oops!"

"Chia Children…help daddy!" Zetsu cried out to his offspring, but they were just tiny little freaky Venus fly trap sperm attached to clay animals, and so, they could do nothing to help their daddy out except wiggle and snap at the air in vain.

Sasori, angry and possibly sexually frustrated, grabbed up his Pledge and ran upstairs to hide in Hiruko, where he could be alone.

Hidan watched Sasori go.

"You know that puppet shoves Pledge cans up his ass and eats them, or something. Has anyone _ever_ seen an empty can of Pledge in the garbage?" Hidan asked to the room at large.

Everyone pondered this as they watched Tobi try to get Zetsu out from under the massive tree, succeeding only in getting tangled up in the garland.

* * *

"Hey, everyone else got more presents than me!" Kisame pouted, looking frantically through the mountains of wrapping paper for any signs of an overlooked box.

"No, you got the same as the rest of us, you just don't know how to count, hm."

"No, you stupid bitch, I'm telling you everyone else got more than me! I thought it was supposed to be equal this year!"

"Hey…speaking of stupid bitches…where the fuck's Itachi?" Hidan asked, holding an overly fancy jewelry box he'd received from the Uchiha.

"I need to find him so I can shove this girly piece of shit down his throat. Seriously, who gives a guy a jewelry box?"

Pein happened to step right on top of Itachi's head as he waded through the paper to get to his beloved coffee. He was getting stressed out because he was trying to put Tobi's Hotwheels set together, and the only instructions that had been provided were in Portuguese.

"Have I been defeated?" Itachi asked as Kisame dug him out of the wrapping paper.

"Er…no…Sasuke ran away…" Kisame said. Itachi nodded.

"Ah…he is not angry enough…"

Kisame noticed something sticking out of Itachi's headband and plucked it out.

"Hey, you lost your keys," Kisame said. He made to hand them over to Pein, but Pein shook his head.

"Those aren't for a van. Those are for…something else."

The smile Pein gave Kisame made him very nervous. He looked to the key chain, and his eyes bulged.

"To Kisame, from your Leader," he read on a tiny tag attached to the key ring.

"Jesus…these are keys to a Buick…" Kisame muttered.

"Everyone, suit up. We're going outside to go see Kisame's new present," Pein declared to everyone in the room.

"But what about my Ninja Nascar Hotwheels set!" Tobi whined.

"Fuck that piece of shit! Just get your ass outside!" Pein snapped, then cursed again when he slopped scalding hot coffee down his front.

* * *

"Okay…who the fuck was the last one to drive the van last night?" Pein asked angrily, glaring pointedly at Kisame.

"It wasn't me! Some kids must have stolen the van for a joy ride last night…heh…"

"Bullshit! After Kakuzu cut my head off, he said something about going out for more beer. I bet it was him, the old drunk bastard…"

Kakuzu poked Hidan in the chest.

"Shut your face, or I'll _remove_ those perfectly spaced stitches that are holding your head onto your neck."

Hidan narrowed his eyes, but fell silent. He'd had enough decapitation to last him several lifetimes.

"Poor baby Jesus," Tobi said sadly, munching on the popcorn garland still wrapped around his head while looking at the plastic naked baby attached to the front grill of the van.

"Kakuzu…did you plow through the Nativity scene in front of Sannin Baptist Church again?" Pein sighed. He took a sip of his coffee.

Kakuzu looked down at his feet.

"Yeah," Kakuzu mumbled, "but it's because that bitch of yours was blinding me with her paper shit."

"Konan, is this true?" Pein asked, eyes widening. Konan blushed.

"Ha ha ha…not at all!"

Pein looked suspicious, but let it go. He just didn't give a fuck right now. The van was still in one piece, more or less…and the Gumby mailbox was too, even though Kisame swore that Kakuzu hit it on the way up the driveway.

"Oh, is that your new car?" Tobi asked, pointing at an old tan Buick century parked down the street. Kisame glanced over at it, and grinned.

"This is the best Christmas present EVER!" He roared, and took off after the car. The shark nin nearly got run over by the plow truck, shook his fist at it, then continued down the street to his new baby.

"Why did you get him a car?" Konan asked, dragging on her cigarette. Pein shrugged.

"With his own car, he can really help out with errands and whatnot. Like when Itachi has to go to the dentist…or Kakuzu needs to refill his prescriptions."

"Ah…I see…"

* * *

Pein ordered Kakuzu and Hidan to clean off his van while he let Tobi distract himself by playing in the snow, building lopsided snowmen and chatting with penguins that weren't really there.

Kisame and Itachi were checking out the new ride. Itachi whipped out the Wallmart bifocals Hidan had gotten him and started to scrutinize the car's body, looking for rust and faded paint.

The Uchiha activated his Mangekyou Sharingan for some dubious reason, and the stress of looking in both parts of the lenses of his bifocals at once caused Itachi to temporarily go blind, and he passed out, his mind whisked away to Sharingan La La Land.

"Aw…shit…" Kisame muttered.

The shark nin threw Itachi in the back seat and went for a drive without Sir Leader's permission.

* * *

Deidara, meanwhile, had decided to bring out Itachi's Furby and shove clay up its ass. He scooted it over to the entrance to Tobi's igloo and crept behind Uchiha Hummer Mountain to wait.

The Furby started to whine about being cold and hungry, and Tobi, being a curious boy, crawled out of his igloo to see the abandoned Furby.

"Oh no, Sasuke-kun is all alone! Come inside, I'll make you a nice cup of Vodka!"

Deidara snickered behind his hand, and it licked him.

"Stop it, un!" he said to his palm. The mouth on it blew a raspberry and slid its tongue back in, closing itself tight.

* * *

"Why are you cleaning off the top? I thought you were done, asshole! You're getting snow all over me!"

"If you would have put on one of the sweaters I bought you, you wouldn't mind so much," Kakuzu growled to his partner, who was once again wearing the orange ski mask, no shirt, and a buttoned down cloak that revealed a nipple if he moved just right.

Kakuzu had lengthened his arms and was brushing off the top of the van, knocking snow all over the priest who was shoveling on the other side of the old Dodge Caravan.

Another pile of snow went right down the back of Hidan's collar, and he ran around the van to knock Kakuzu's head in with his shovel.

Hidan chased Kakuzu around the van, shaking the shovel at his partner and spouting curses and insults.

Kakuzu managed to detach an arm and trip Hidan. The shovel went flying, hitting Konan in the ass.

Paper reindeer with rather viciously pointed antlers chased Kakuzu and Hidan around, and in a fit of desperation, they dropped to their knees and crawled into Tobi's igloo.

Kakuzu kicked snow at the entrance to block the paper deer from entering their safe haven.

Tobi was sitting Indian style in his little ice house, a Furby in his lap. He beamed at the two visitors.

"Would you like some Vodka?" Tobi asked politely, holding out a flask. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow, looked at Hidan, who was utterly speechless, and then grabbed the flask.

"You know what, Tobi? You ain't so bad after all," Kakuzu said as he took a swig.

"Hey, what about me? I want..." Hidan dropped off as Sasuke junior started blinking his eyes and laughing.

"Art is a bang, un!" it yelled gleefully, and then it exploded.

Snow, Sasuke junior and Hidan's head went flying. Kakuzu was convulsing as he suffered a fatal heart attack. Tobi was on his hands and knees, arms thrown over his head, ass up in the air.

To this day, no one knows how Tobi managed to keep his junk in one piece, since the bomb had gone off on his lap.

Hidan's head had landed on top of the house, so he was forced to 'sit' there with the fucking fake ass blue icicle lights hanging off the gutters.

Sasuke junior had flown over to the curb, facing the Gumby mailbox, and they glared at each other so ferociously that Satan trembled in his boots and the baby Jesus stuck to the front grill of the van pissed itself.

* * *

When Kisame and Itachi got back from the test drive, everyone went back inside for some hot chocolate and tomato soup.

Pein was trying to take as long as he could slurping his soup, because he dreaded going back to trying to figure out the God forsaken Hotwheels set.

Tobi kept asking when they would go back to helping him figure out the Hotwheels set.

Hidan was bitching about icicle lights and demonic giant green been mailboxes.

Sir Leader poked angrily at the crackers floating atop his soup, trying to drown out Tobi, but it was as difficult for him to ignore Tobi as it was for Kakuzu to ignore Hidan's incessant bitching.

"Hey, can we go put together my Ninja Nascar Hotwheels set now? Huh?" Tobi asked, pulling on Pein's sleeve.

"Alright, alright, already! Er…but everyone has to help!"

Everyone groaned.

"NOW."

Everyone followed Tobi and Pein into the living room, where the dreaded Ninja Nascar Hotwheels set lay in hundreds of pieces before them.

The Portuguese instructions were now so wrinkled and stained with coffee that even a native of Portugal would have trouble reading them.

After an hour of failing to decipher Portuguese and stick pieces of gray plastic tracks together, finally, Hidan took control of the project.

The priest turned out to have a knack for the assembly of children's toys, and quickly had the set forming into a recognizable…Nascar track.

"It's not that fucking hard. You just stick the little dicks in the little pussies, they fit together real nicely, see? Now you try."

Tobi grabbed up two pieces of gray plastic and pushed them together. They fit, and Tobi cheered.

"Yay!"

"Can I go now?" Kisame asked. He'd finally finished detaching all of the stickers from Itachi's face (poor thing was still somewhat off in Sharingan La La Land) and put them on their proper places, such as cheap little wannabe flags and rickety little stands.

"But you have to see it when it's done!" Tobi said.

"Tobi, how old are you? Hm?" Deidara suddenly asked, looking at the only unopened present Tobi had received: Hooked on Phonics.

"Deidara-senpai, I'm around your age, silly!"

Deidara's eye twitched.

"Un…and how old do you think I am?"

"I don't know…ten?"

Everyone present burst into laughter.

Kisame squirted hot chocolate out of his gills. Konan swallowed her cigarette. Hidan's head fell off, right into Kakuzu's lap.

The old man couldn't appreciate a decapitated head in his lap, however, because he'd fallen asleep. A freshly scratched lottery ticket was held loosely in his hand, a penny in the other.

"…who loves orange soda…?" Itachi murmured from his spot in front of the TV.

* * *

In the end, the Akatsuki had a rather pleasant Christmas day. Until the cops showed up, that is.

* * *

**A/N: The end! Cliff hanger? Maybe…but probably not. Note that like the prologue, the epilogue isn't going to be much. So this is really the end. How sad!**

**Oh, **xxHyourinxx** suggested the line Hidan says to Sasori: "Why don't you go fuck yourself sideways with a telephone pole!" I thank her for letting me steal, it makes me happy. **

"**Who loves orange soda?" "K-k-k-Kel does!" That's from "Kenan (sp?) and Kel." I LOVED that show. Itachi does too. **

**I forgot to say that in the previous chapter (ch10), I totally ripped off of the Snickers commercial for the whole bit at the liquor store. I don't know if it was really that funny, but I needed something to happen there other than Kakuzu pissing in the garbage can. **

**I tried to include all of the presents I could. I wrote up a list, and most everybody gets one present from each person. Everyone got gift cards of some type, and the coupons that Hidan mentions are coupons for $10 off a pack of Newports for Konan. That's from Kakuzu. He likes giving away coupons, as long as he can't use them himself. **


	12. Epilogue

**The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas**

**Chapter 12: Epilogue **

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**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else. **

**Summary: What the fuck happened with the cops? And ooh, author's notes!**

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A new rule was added to the Little Big List of Rules posted in the kitchen: Absolutely NO alcoholic beverages will be allowed inside the house. Failure to comply will result in being converted into a living Host for Zetsu's parasitic sperm children. 

Needless to say, no one dared disobey that particular rule.

* * *

The mass destruction the Akatsuki caused over the holiday season resulted in them being raided by the Swat team of the Hidden Rain police department (HRPD). 

The evil organization had to flee, being sure to take the Gumby mailbox with them. With two vehicles, things went more smoothly.

However, the Chia pet children were abandoned, and sadly, they didn't make it.

The combusted Furby was abandoned too, but it managed to slip inside Tobi's mask before the moron was thrown in the back of the van.

Baby Jesus, in case you don't remember, will remain on the grill of Pein's van until Valentine's Day.

Amazingly, none of the characters who partook in sexual acts have any memory of doing so.

Christmas caroling was banned in Hidden Rain.

At the end of this story, Kakuzu is back down to two hearts: his own, and that contained in the mask of Mr. Chiclets.

Don't worry, Kakuzu is going to go on a journey to find replacement hearts, and Deidara is going to make new masks for him. But that's another story. (Clay and Thread, coming to a theatre near you when I get to it.)

Jiraiya found a random toad off the street and transfigured it into a replacement leg. I'm sure there's a medical ninjutsu for this…and if not…I just made one. Yep. Clever, aren't I?

* * *

**A/N: Okay, I thought about trying to explain all the inconsistencies and whatnot, but do you really even care? I don't…and I don't feel like rereading this entire series just to nitpick. Nitpicking will drive me up the fucking wall. **

**Okie dokie, I hope you enjoyed this story, I know I have. It didn't end up exactly the way I intended, but it was close enough. I find that planning out things too much takes all the fun out of it. Of course, I didn't really flesh out all the details, just a few vague ideas. **

**I spent a lot of time on this story, and you know why? Because I haven't worked much since late October. A lot of slow days, a lot of bad weather…and me just sittin' around, too broke to go do anything. So I'd sit at my computer and giggle to myself while making up bullshit and checking my ffn site constantly for new reviews to read and giggle over and reply to. **

**So if you have any ideas/ suggestions/ or anything else for the sequel to this, "Orochimaru's World Famous New Year's Eve Party" let me know. I will probably put some yaoi lemon in it, because in the end, I want to write what I want, and I don't want to lose any readers, but I can't beat myself up over trying to please everyone, either. **


End file.
